The GOP taking its lead from Congressman John Boehner has announced that the weekend after the new members are sworn in, they will spread out all across America for a National Get in Touch With Your Inner Feelings Day.
The members will meet prior to their disbursement across the country by gathering at the Potomac, where John Boehner will lead the entire caucus in the song: "Cry Me a River." Boehner is scheduled to give a five minute speech, which, in fact, will be really fifteen minutes due to uncontrollable sobbing and the renting of his garments. The members will then fan out across the country to visit homeless centers, unemployment lines, orphanages, and veteran's hospitals. They will carry a single message: "Get a job, deadbeat!"
The caucus members plan to give a memento to each person they contact at the various stops. The two sided card will read: "You're not worth shit!" The other side will say in script, "Do the right thing!" and will show a noose. Both sides will be in a black background with white lettering. Cards for the veteran's hospitals read: "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, you sniveling coward!"
"These are nice memento," said Senator Mitch McConnell. "These people will now know that the GOP is always thinking of them. This kind of concern is, in fact, in our DNA."
According to various media outlets, the group will return to DC for a million-person cry-in and rally at the Mall. The finale will be another giant Midget Toss while the GOP choir,lead by a sobbing,John Boehner will sing the old depression era song, "Buddy, can you spare a dime?" According to organizers, the rally will not be wheelchair accessible.