Written by Andy Lam
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Topics: Death, Washington

Tuesday, 9 August 2005

image for President Bush: "E Pluribus Bonham!"
Attorney General Gonzales recalled the great man's passing

Washington, DC - With the 25th anniversary of the death of Led Zeppelin drummer John Bonham fast approach (September 25th), President Bush has proposed legislation to modify the motto of the United States in honor of Mr. Bonham's death.

"As any American school child knows," explained the President during a Rose Garden photo opportunity this morning, "The motto of the United States is ‘E Pluribus Unum' - ‘Out of Many, One'. I think we can all agree that this is a wonderful statement and sentiment about America.

"But last night I was listening to Led Zeppelin II and when ‘Moby Dick' came on I just about went nuts," continued the President. "The song is so good that I brought it into this morning's cabinet meeting on my iPod and we all listened to it again and again.

"Suddenly, Al [Attorney General Alberto Gonzales] sat bolt upright and said, ‘oh, man, you know what? It was almost 25 years ago that John Bonham died.' That was a real downer. Condi [Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice] did a quick Google search and confirmed that Bonham died on September 25th, 1980.

"Once we had that sobering news, the rest of the meeting focused on how we might appropriately commemorate this great man. As you can imagine, dozens of ideas were tossed out - only to be discarded as not worthy of his stature, or too difficult to effect in the time available.

"I think it was Dick [Vice President Dick Cheney] who first started toying with the motto idea. ‘E Pluribus Rock' was his first offering but Rummy [Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld] picked it up and ran with it; ‘E Pluribus Bonham' is his baby and we all agreed that it was perfect. E Pluribus Bonham: Out of Many, Bonham - when you think about it, it makes perfect sense - out of all the rock and roll drummers there has been only one John Bonham.

According to initial plans provided by the White House, the Great Seal of the United States of America will be modified in all its forms for 24 hours beginning at midnight on September 24. All currency printed on that day, all government publications printed on that day, all speeches or convocations delivered on that day will reflect the amended motto.

"The costs of implementing this plan will be astronomical," said Treasury Secretary John Snow, "but John Bonham was a man worthy of our adulation regardless of the expense."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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