Written by Morse
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Wednesday, 15 December 2010

image for Fans of Autoerotic Asphyxiation Forced to Catch Their Breath as San Jose Bans Plastic Bags!
Bruce seen Trying Out Alternative Method of Asphyxia: Can you hear me coming now?

Following the lead of San Francisco, San Jose has banned the use of plastic bags leaving
many kinky sex practitioners and pet owners puzzled as they try to deal with their own 'hang ups" and "personal shit."

"It's a F***g nightmare," said Joe "Wolfman" Kulakowski, owner of 4 Great Danes and an Irish Wolfhound, "what are we supposed to do with all this shit now, pick it up and put it in our hat? Stupid, innit?"

Wolfman says on a normal day featuring 2 bowel movements each, his pack produces at least 6.7lbs of steaming dog shit, not accounting for the occasional runny mess if the dogs get into the garbage and scoff up any left over burritos.

Down at the "Whips & Chains" gay biker wine bar, all the 'guys' were talking about the edict.

Said "Bruce", hooked on asphyxia since he was 17 and found he liked putting girls' panties over his head and holding his breath, "this is terrible....have you tried putting a paper bag over your head and trying to get off....I can't even get myself hard thinking about it!"

Bruce, who rides a restored 1966 Honda 160 scrambler, said he still had a stash of 3 bags, about a 10 days supply, left from his trip to the San Jose Fresh Air Fruit market where his MC Club, "The Baggettes" had held a protest rally in anticipation of the vote last week.

Others at the bar echoed Bruce's concerns.

Said "Larry", "I suppose we can smuggle some bags in from Mexico, but they're liable to be laced with meth residue, and we're just not into drugs than can make your teeth fall out unless you're into 'gum jobs,' that's the guys next door at the "Tooth & Nail" carpenters union hall. "

"The Chinese knock off plastic bags are shit too....full of nitrate fertilizer and melamine...when your tongue pops out just as you're about to get off and comes in contact with that shit you could be poisoned for life!"

"Sharing a bag is out too," said 50 cc moped riding "Big Doug", "we read about the spread of AIDS when people in San Francisco shared needles, suppositories, dildos and arse plugs, it just plain ain't healthy or worth the risk....we're not ass holes, you know!"

To cope with the problem some pet owners are cleaning out the shelves at K-Mart of plastic Tupper Ware 4 quart casserole containers spatulas in 'cooking with Martha Stewart" kitchen department.

Said "Wolfman" standing in line at the checkout, "We'll give it a try. We're going to freeze the shit in blocks and drop it off on the front steps of city hall and give them a real taste of 'Global Warming" when the sun comes out. Ignorant BASTARDS!"

The boys at Whips and Chains were still agonizing over their options. "This is really, really bad, " said Bruce, "this could drive the boys back to the days when they just retreated from society and hung around by themselves in their closets with a clothes pin on their dick!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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