New Jersey - John Gotti Jr. today pronounced himself a "New Man" and said he'd severed all of his connections to organized crime while in prison for racketeering. According to his attorney, Gotti felt "rejuvenated" by his stay at Marion Federal prison, and has permanently left his life of crime behind.
"It's true, it's absolutely true" said fellow prisoner Charles Harrelson, currently serving a life bid for the contract killing of a Federal Judge. Also vouching for Gotti's "conversion" were his attorney, his hairdresser, and his consigliere'. "He's paid his debt to society, and don't owe nobody nothin'" said "Luigi," who refused to disclose his last name.
"We're in court today to clear the Gotti name" said Gotti lead counselor Bruce Cutler, who agreed, off the record, that relocating to Phoenix, getting LASIK, and changing his last name to "Smith" or "Jones" might be a more effective strategy for his client.
"People have no idea how much work it is running a crime family," John Jr said in a recent prison interview. There are hits to be ordered, tons of laundry to be done - money laundering - deciding what interest rates loan sharks should charge, not to mention constant fluctuations in the price of illicit narcotics. Staying one step ahead of the Feds is like being on a never-ending treadmill." For me, three hots and a cot was a well-needed vacation. That and chillin' with Martha."
Gotti said his greatest regret was the possibility his children may follow him into "the business," followed by acquiescing to the publication of his sister's book, "Growing up Gotti." Says John, "I don't know WHY she had to include that embarassing incident. I was 13. If she wasn't my sister, she'd be sleeping with the fishes for telling that story.
Insisting that "I'm not a bad guy. I'm actually a good fellow" Gotti insisted "My life of crime is now behind me." "With a $10M book deal from Doubleday, what do I need to be doin' that hustle for?" In related news, "Free John Gotti" t-shirts were marked down $3 on www.ganglandnews.com, to $16.95.
Federal prosecutors were reportedly stunned by Gotti's renouncement of a life of crime and dropped charges of attempted murder against him. Said Prosecutor Miriam Habeus, "We're always tickled pink when the correctional system truly reforms a man. John says he's a new man, and I believe him." In other news, Habeus' family has been missing for over two weeks, and were last seen getting into a cab."
Gotti blames his current troubles on "Talk Radio." Them damn talk show hosts are always trying to get people all riled up. Stupid me, I fell for it. I coulda been listening to opera, or somethin pleasin', but no, I had to listen to that Curtis Sliwa.