Written by P.M. Wortham
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Tuesday, 14 December 2010

image for Boehner Prefers No-Brand Facial Tissues
Can I get a tissue for my issue? I need you to remove a pant load too.

Soon to be the most powerful republican in America and second in line for the presidency as the Speaker of the House, John Boehner, a man not afraid to show his emotions practically everywhere he goes, prefers to carry a pocket full of no-brand tissues.

With 2009 liquid assets estimated at nearly $11 Million, Mr. Boehner can afford to buy the popular, even premium lotion coated facial tissue, but his personal staff confirms that the legislator prefers to keep it simple when weeping in front of the camera.

"Mr. Boehner likes to save a penny or two", says Boehner's media staffer, Carol Cooley. "That's why we only do secret Santa with a five dollar limit for the holidays and also why those tissues in his pocket are usually Walgreen's no-brand".

Some Washington analysts think Boehner should switch to a thicker brand of tissue, noticing that he doubles up on the cheaper option from time to time. "I think when he's simply wiping tears, a single cheap tissue works well, but I've noticed that when he blows his nose he has to use two or more tissues. I ask you, are you really saving money at that point? I think not", comments Bob Woodward from the Washington Post.

Others aren't sure what Boehner is crying about. Unemployed Philadelphia steel worker, Bob Wachinski says, "The dude has eleven million, makes a fortune in annual salary and complains that his taxes are too high? Send him to our neighborhood. Some of my buddies would like to give him something to cry about".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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