Written by Rebecca Savastio
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Monday, 13 December 2010

image for Woman, 40, Details Her 2010 Adventures In A Group Holiday Letter

A woman sent a mass holiday mailing last week updating her friends and family on all the things which happened to her during the year. Citing being "too busy" to contact any of them personally, Jane Smith, 40, chose the group mailing approach.

Reaction to the letter was mixed, with some delighting in hearing all the mundane details of her life, while others objected to the letter on the grounds that no one cares: "Why do people send those stupid mass letters at holiday time?" mailman Rick Jones asked. "Who cares about her stupid cats and her cleaning habits? Sheesh!"

When asked if he enjoyed receiving any of those types of updates from anyone, he replied "Hell no!"

Cousin Sam Flanigan had no kind words for Smith. "She never calls me or emails me once during the year, but then she sends me some dumbass boring letter all about herself. When we were kids, she never came to any family gatherings, but she used to give us large framed pictures of herself and demand that we hang them up in the house."

Neighbor Annabelle Fiori was disgusted as well. "Who does she think she is? She thinks she's so great with her doctor appointments and her husband. It just rubs it in my face that I'm single. I wish people would take their holiday updates and shove them up their asses."

Smith was unavailable for comment at press time.

I managed to obtain a copy of the letter, which is included below:


Dear Friends and Family,

This year has been busy. I did many things, such as, sleeping, reading, and watching tv. The year has really flown by! I can hardly believe it's going to be 2011. I keep saying to myself "Hey, don't forget to bundle up! It's cold out there!"

The cats have been good this year. Sometimes they jump on my lap and sometimes they jump up on the counters. That's not so good, but normally they are good. Just not always LOL.

Speaking of the cats, they had to go to the vet several times this year. The vet is very nice. Sometimes she gives us free samples of things like kibble. I feel bad when either Tigger or Bear has to get the rectal thermometer. That's no fun :(

I made a bunch of phone calls this year, and some to the doctor, for things like a general check-up and also I had to do a course of antibiotics because my cold was not getting any better. Sometimes it is hard to tell the difference between a cold and a flu. Antibiotics don't do any good for the flu and I was not sure WHAT I had, but I was coughing all night and hacking also. So, the doctor prescribed some antibiotics and some cough medicine also.

In April I did a bunch of vaccuming throughout the house. I vacuumed the living room, dining room, the guest bedroom, the other guest bedroom, the computer room, and the regular bedroom. I also cleaned the bathroom too. The toilet, sink, and tub. Oh! I can't believe I almost forgot to mention the most exciting part of the cleaning! I got a NEW SHOWER CURTAIN!!! How awesome is that!

I went to Walgreens quite a few times, such as to get shampoo and soap and things like that. Razors also too. Sometimes I would get some chips or Doritos as a treat. My neighbor also works there, at Walgreens, so I would also say "Hi!" to him. That was alot of fun. I did quite a bit of laundry. I would also add in fabric softener sometimes. On days when I had extra time I would even pre-treat any kind of stain on any of the clothes. That was exciting!

Then I would see my neighbors and we would chat. Like while we were standing on the street. But alot of times I was in a rush so I would be like "Hey it's great talking to you but I really have to run!" And they would say something like "Oh ok. Have a good one".

I forgot to mention I brushed my teeth every day and also, went clothes shopping a few times. I got some pants, shirts, and tee shirts. The lady at the store would ring me up and sometimes she would also ask me something to the effect of "How are you doing today?" And then I would answer something like "yeah, pretty good. Been out shopping alot today."

So basically that sums up all of the exciting moments of my year. I'm sorry I can't write each of you personally, or even give a quick phone call or a two-second personal email, but as you can see, I am sooooooooooo busy!

So have a great year and I look forward to filling you in on all the great things I will do in the upcoming year, which is 2011. I will really look forward to that.

Love,
Jane


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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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