Financial bulletins and newspapers across America are reporting that corporate Christmas parties, are in full swing in celebration of the largest corporate profits and bonuses in history.
Ten thousand dollar Rolexes, Ferraris, and newly outfitted yachts were selling as quickly as Barbie dolls at Toys R Us.
"Only in America," stated one executive at Goldman Sachs.
"Tis the season to be jolly," said another as he sipped Don Perignon in the back of a limo.
The Salvation Army, thinking ahead, stationed donation kettles outside several of the corporate Christmas parties thinking it would be an excellent location for donations. On the contrary, first reports show the donations are at a record low.
The largest donation received at any of the selected locations was a one-dollar bill; the rest was in small change. Many of the Salvation Army workers reported they were cursed at and one reported an executive carrying a half-empty bottle of Wild Turkey shouted at her "Get a real job, deadbeat!"
As homeless shelters and food banks tried to keep up with the influx of America's poor, many of whom used to be America's middle class, shouts of, "USA! USA! USA!" seemed to ring hollow.
In homes across America, tears welled in the eyes of despondent parents as their small children asked, "I wonder what Santa is bringing me for Christmas." In other parts of the world: Beijing, Cairo, Kabul, and multi-million dollar mansions in Dubai, journalists are reporting the holiday cheer in word and in deed is: "USA! USA! USA!"