CRAWFORD, Texas - President Bush departed this week for his sprawling ranch as part of a month-long vacation away from the trials and tribulations of reality.
"All these newspapers and cable TV programs keep reporting on all the bad things," a beleaguered Bush said from the steps of Air Force One. "They need to start focusing on the news that the White House in manufacturing as fact instead."
The president pointed out several examples if the success he has had since reelection, including the fact that he has not fired or demoted anyone for doing anything wrong.
"Heh heh, no one's been indicted for anything either, so I don't know what all these pinko commies have up their rear ends", he said.
The president had adorned himself in his standard ranching attire, which consisted of an immaculate ten gallon hat, cowboy boots that appeared to be polished to a mirror sheen, and his trusty hammer which he frequently uses to mend fences.
"Let all Americans sleep easy knowing that I will leave no fence behind in my travels through Texas. And the axis of evil that is completed by wild brush and un-shoed horses will also be heavy on my mind as well," Bush said.
As Bush spoke he brandished a sharp hatchet which he cut through the air in an apparent mimicry of chopping brush. He did so with his eyes tightly closed and Secret Service agents assigned to the president quickly moved in to remove the tool from Bush's grip before ushering him into the awaiting plane.
"I've heard about those thorns and pricklers those tumbleweed terrorists have bragged they will use to hinder my brush clearing abilities, and to that I say, Bring it on!!!" the president screamed as three agents shoved him headlong into the cabin of Air Force One and into battle with the weeds.
In other news, there were early reports that a mass migration of brush and fences had begun in Crawford, apparently as a result of the president's threats. Early casualties, the result of trampling and faulty fences, were already being reported.