The Vatican is busy putting a spin on the Pope's recent edict that condoms are 'a little bit of all right...sometimes", after a retired Jesuit Priest took the proclamation a little too far and wound up pleasuring his female neighbors in the North Wing of his West Virginia retirement home.
Monsignor Francis DuBois, the reprobate Jesuit Priest who was earlier this year forced into retirement after it was discovered he was the father of 214 Vietnamese-American children conceived during his missionary stint in the Republic of Viet Nam sometime in the '60s.
Shocked and shamed, the Vatican was forced to build a state of the art Orphanage in the village of Pleiku even naming it after the prolific Priest as a token of reparation and spiritual atonement.
The Monsignor Francis DuBois Home for Wayward Children opened it's doors to great fanfare, but due to ongoing legal discussions over child support, Francis, (Frankie to his nubile partners) was advised not to attend lest he be detained in country for yet another TOUR OF DUTY.
Just like famous boxer and entrepreneur George Foreman, all the kids are named after their 'heavenly father.' Frankie, known to his fellow priests as Frankie J, heaven knows why, assigned names to his kids using the letters of the alphabet, so we have Frankie A, B, C,D etc., and occasionally there's a Francine A,B,C thrown in for good measure.
According to administrators at the home, all the kids are exceptionally smart, excelling in mathematics, and most, now grown, have emigrated to California going on to higher education and excelling in all the math and science disciplines attesting to the exceptional skills of their former mentor, now retired to Canada, Madam Holly Golightly who also taught gym, sex education, spelling, punctuation, manners, and the magic of Wok Cooking.
Meanwhile, the Monsignor was again the subject of Vatican scrutiny after just last week, a former NUN who served under him (sic) during his days in a retreat recovering from an unspecified disorder, sent him a care package that went terribly wrong.
Staff at the retirement home said Francis and his constant companion and former altar boy Bert, were continuing their conjoined efforts in a 3 way cyber chess game when the package from the Nun, identified only as Sister Hu Nu Dong Wen, now living somewhere on the range in Texas and running a Bison Ranch, arrived with little fanfare.
Apparently Francis and Bert waited until well after 'lights out' to open the package and then that's when the trouble started.
Sister Dong Wen, remembering her days, and especially her nights, when the pair had their heavenly communion, sent along a few of his favorite things.
Officials, piecing the the caper together after it was too late, found that the care package contained a quart of Jack Daniels, 6 tins of Spam, a can of sterno, 2 cans of Del Monte mixed fruit, a tube of black & green body paint, 7 tabs of c4, a jungle jock strap in Mossy Oak, a K bar knife, a pair of scandals with soles made from all weather Michelin tyres a small, rechargeable, battery operated turbo charger for his mobility scooter, a tube of KY jelly and what really caused the problem, a box of ribbed Trojan Condoms.
According to the after action report filed by the Special Agent in Charge(SAIC), and just released by Wikileaks, this is what happened:
"In reconstructing the damage, and retracing the trail of evidence, it appears that SUBJECT'S room mate, SUBJECT 2, known as Bert, had some rudimentary knowledge of electronics being a former rocket scientist, and was able to disable the entire security system in the wing, including the time locks on the residents' rooms.
SUB 1, and SUB 2, then stripped naked, painted their bodies to look like potted palms, had a few drinks, locked and cocked their weapons and proceeded to then service the entire wing housing all the women at the center, including one long haired male with a gender identification problem and pictures of Jane Fonda over his bed getting off on a howitzer in North Viet Nam.
Bert said later he "fucked the bastard solely for Revenge!"
What must have been a bizarre scene was enhanced when SUB 2 also linked the wing's loud speaker system to Wagner's 'Ride of the Valkyries' which only served to heighten their sexual frenzy and arouse their 'victims' baser instincts. SUB 1 was said to have exclaimed, " I love the smell of damp panties at Midnight!"
"While there is no doubt SUB 1 & SUB 2 are the PERPS in this SNAFU, it appears, even after a full interrogation of all the VICTIMS, including a full body and cavity search for DNA, NO ONE is willing to file a complaint and all say the disarray in the wing was caused when a nurse left windows open at each end of the corridor and during the night ' A big Freaking whirlwind came through and sucked everything off...including our night gowns."
Local law enforcement are still searching for the SUSPECTS after they apparently used the c4 to blow the locks off the EXIT doors, and a blood hound has been enlisted to attempt to follow the scent of their mobility scooters, although the dog handlers said it would be tough since the hopped up scooters "were laying down an awful lot of burnt rubber."
A night watchman on duty at the perimeter said the last thing he heard was the screech of tyres and a loud voice proclaiming, " Hi Ho Silver....AWAY!"
Let Freedom Ring!