April 1, 2012 - A group of concerned animals and citizens of Alaska has filed a wrongful nomination suit against the State of Alaska for creating an "attractive nuisance" that has resulted in the nomination of Sarah Palin for President of the United States.
Citing the legal precedent that landowners can be held responsible for the injuries to trespassers on their land if they create an "attractive nuisance" (such as a swimming pool a child drowns in), this heterogeneous group of citizens alleges that Sarah Palin's nomination has not only harmed, and will continue to harm, America, but that it also has brought severe embarrassment to the real men and women of Alaska.
The lawsuit alleges that America is drowning in a Sarah Palin media frenzy and that it is no longer safe for law-abiding moderates to turn on a television or read the newspaper without being psychologically upset by exposure to her personality.
The lawsuit demands that the TLC show "Sarah Palin's Alaska" be renamed "Alaska, Only as Sarah Palin Sees It"; it alleges that Mrs. Palin does not own, and has never owned, Alaska.
The lawsuit also claims that the State failed to adequately educate Mrs. Palin, alleging that she has a habit of speaking in rambling sentences, winking unnecessarily, making up her own words, and saying "You betcha." Furthermore, it alleges that the average citizen is having anxiety attacks and nightmares because of fears of her lack of foreign policy experience, except for her recognized experience of not negotiating trade deals with Russia.
The concerned citizens also allege that Mrs. Palin would not have been who she is if the State of Alaska had not provided the kind of atmosphere that allowed Mrs. Palin to grow as the vivacious, speak-her-own-mind, freedom-loving, flag-waving, gun-toting moose hunter that she is, espousing the allegedly "morally superior small town values" she learned in Wasilla.
Furthermore, the lawsuit demands that Wasilla, as a punishment for creating the kind of environment that would raise a Sarah Palin, be sold--or if necessary, given--back to Russia.
When asked what she thought of this lawsuit, Alaska's current senator, Lisa Murkowski, said, "Mrs. Palin was my governor for 2 years. Then she quit. Then she supported Joe Miller. Then I beat Joe Miller. She should stay in Wasilla, after they give it back to the Russians."
In Juneau, an Assistant Attorney General for the State suggested, off the record, that this is a frivolous lawsuit and is about as likely to succeed as "pit bulls wearing lipstick."