Written by Q. William Bacon
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Topics: Politics, Tunnel

Saturday, 4 December 2010

image for Tunnel Found Connecting Lobbyists to Capitol Building
D.C. Tunnel Task Force struggles against lobbyists

WASHINGTON - Federal investigators have discovered a sophisticated two-mile tunnel between K Street and the Capitol. The tunnel, wide enough for two limousines, was used to funnel money and influence to and from lobbyists' offices.

The D.C. Tunnel Task Force became suspicious of excessive lobbying activity when they heard many nonsensical public statements being made by legislators. Agents soon discovered the tunnel entrance behind a false wall constructed from 50 tons of Congressional transcript. The agents followed the tunnel to a fitness center's underground squash court on K Street. An agent noted, "The tunnel is more elaborate than most, with a ventilation system, marble support columns, an oaken bar with warm lighting, and a car wash. The amount of soft-money contributions and legislative amendments that moved through here is mind-boggling."

Investigators believe the tunnel was constructed by the lobbying cartel of Newt "Gringo" Gingrich to better compete with the cartel of Carlos "El Rotundo" Rove.

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