Political analysts said today a new poll of American politicians indicates Sarah Palin will be the next President of the U.S., due solely to the fact no one will run for the job.
The poll found any American with brains would be leaving the country altogether, while anyone with any political ambition would be scrambling to take over the jobs the brainy people had vacated, in hopes of making a last few bucks before the country imploded.
"Politics has become a hopeless, stinking sewer in our country," said one U.S. Congressman who would not be named. "And when a U.S. Congressman tells you that, you know things are bad."
Reactions in the poll were blunt.
"Oh, yeah, I've got the money to spend fighting off law suits from right wing nutjobs. And even if I did, like I want to spend it on lawyers fighting off law suits from wight ring niut jobs. I'M a lawyer. I want to be making a fortune fighting off law suits from right wing nutjobs for other people."
Even Republicans are chafing at the descent of politics into the kind of atmosphere previously only popular at dog fights in Florida.
"Life's too short," said one Republican Senator elected on his perennial campaign around his 40-year marriage and love of country music. "In the good old days you could have a some fun in the men's washroom at the airport and now I've got to promise the right wing and bible thumpers to back torture for people who recycle, just to get a hand job in the privacy of my own damn office."
Prospective candidates were tripping over one another to take their names out of consideration for office. "Look, I know there's a ten second video of me out there, skinny dipping at a remote lake when I was in college. You can imagine the scandal. In fact, you'd have to imagine the scandal. And I have already been assured in seven anonymous phone calls the Republicans are indeed imagining that very scandal. Last I heard they'd doctored it so I'm having sex with a gay tree."
"You think he's got it bad," said another. "I took two winter vacations in Cancun. Now not only do I hate America because I didn't choose Florida, I also smuggle illegal aliens."
Despite the clear field pointing to President Palin, political analysts outside the country reacted to the news with sangfroid. "At this rate," sighed one, "she'll be taking over a country with no money, no influence and, certainly, no secrets. She'll just be Tweeting from a better neighbourhood."