Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 3 December 2010

image for Robert Pattinson, Zac Efron, Johnny Depp, and Paris Hilton To Star In The Lesbian Vampire Movie, "Don't Ask - Don't Tell Bitch!"
Paris Hilton as vampire Sienna Wellywick. (Photo courtesy of Kanye West).

WEST HOLLYWOOD - Zac Efron has informed his grandmother, Brunicia Flossie Efron, 87, that he will soon star in a movie with Robert Pattinson, Johnny Depp, and Paris Hilton.

Efron told his grandma that he will be portraying Chauncey Pepperbiffle, a vampire investigator who travels to Transylvania to find the long lost lesbian sister of Paris Hilton's character Sienna Wellywick.

When his grandmother asked him what the title of the movie was Zac hesitated as his grandmother has not missed a church service in 86 years.

He told her that these are modern times and that people speak differently than they did back when she was a little girl growing up in Bosom, Wyoming.

His grandmother asked him if the title included the "F" word. He said that it did not. She then asked if it included the "C" or "P" word. He nodded that it did not include either letter.

She then asked if it included the "D" word and again Zac told her that it did not.

Finally Granny Brunicia growing rather impatient asked, "Well grandson, then do pray tell me what the hell letter does this effen movie have in it's frickin title? I'm an old bitch and I do not like to play these mofoing games okay boy?"

"That's it granny." Efron yelled out.

"What? The word Boy?"

"No granny the word bitch. The name of the movie is Don't Ask - Don't Tell Bitch."

Grandma Brunicia thought for a moment. She then said, "So then this frackin film you're starring in is about them gay lesbianite females who live in San Fransissyco huh."

Efron told her that the name of the city is San Francisco and that there are literally gay lesbians in just about every city and town in America now.

"Not in my Bosom (Wyoming) they're ain't. No sir. No way. The elders ran them off back in 1947.

Zac informed his mom that there were no lesbians in Bosom or anywhere in the United States back in 1947.

She laughed and said that there was but that they were all hiding in a secret lesbianite house next to a carburetor factory in Detroit.

SIDENOTE: The movie will be filmed in 3D and will also include Smell-A-Vision, which will cost movie goers an extra $6 at the box office.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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