Scientists in the supposed-to-be-secret soft money-funded laboratory beneath the White House have released information that solves a mystery that has plagued and tormented the American political machine for hundreds of years: A defective gene is responsible for the fact that Democrats lack an agenda, are predisposed to pessimism, and are clueless when it comes to just plain common sense.
The announcement was a relief to anguished Republicans who have for decades felt that they were at least a little bit to blame for the "incompatibility across the aisle" in everything from clean air to oil reserves." We realized there was something wrong when we submitted a bill giving them a raise and they turned it down without a single word of explanation," sighed Senate Finance Committee Chairman Harcourt "Big" Spender. "At least now we can go to bed at night with a clear conscience, knowing it wasn't something we said. Obviously, no one in his or her right mind would turn down free money. That's just downright un-American!"
Democrats from coast to coast are understandably devastated. New debates are being scheduled to re-examine government-funded genetic engineering experimentation in the hopes a defective gene repair kit can be quickly concocted. In an effort to right this evolutionary wrong, or "nip this thing in the bud," as one Einstein-looking researcher was heard to quip, efforts are underway to develop an over-the-counter version of a drug to make it more available, accessible and affordable. Clinics are being established in major cities and rural agricultural centers across the country to accommodate the throngs of Democrats who are sure to seek a cure for what's been ailing them for far too long.
"I've known for a long time that there was something wrong with me," a newly enlightened Nebraska Democrat, Daniel Darkside freely admitted. "At first I thought I might be gay. Then when I couldn't keep a boyfriend, I figured that wasn't it. Then I thought it might be the water. But my Republican neighbors have been drinking the same water for years, and they seem all right. This revelation is like a Godsend for all of us. Thanks to the unauthorized research, there's still a chance for me and my kind to be reborn! Hallelujah!"
A simple blood test is now available free of charge at most drug stores and bus stops for those "undecideds" who wish to find out if their genes are defective or if they're safe and "not one of the throwbacks in need of chromosomal correction," according to a prominent pharmaceutical manufacturing marketer.
Once the gene repair kits are released on the market, field inoculation teams will soon begin canvassing Democrat neighborhoods to administer the political correction fluid. Surgeon General's guidelines, however, prohibit delivery of the drug to anyone under the age of 18, since they can't vote yet anyway, and it is hoped they'll see the error of their ways or get their doses at the polls once they've of voting age.
Democrats, don't delay! The sooner you roll up your sleeve and get the fix, the better for democracy, freedom and the American Way. If not for yourself, do it for your children and their children. Remember, it wouldn't be right to let "a little prick" stand in the way of evolutionary excellence!