Written by Richard Wacker
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Topics: Language, Swearing

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

image for Foul Words to be Universally Banned

What has this world come to where saying phrases such as "go fuck yourself you bastard" and "doo-doo butter" are against the law? Pretty soon children won't even be able to take candy from strangers in creepy vans anymore. What happened to the good old days when you ran into a neighbor you didn't like and could walk ten paces, pop some lead into them and leave them on the main dirt path? There are way too many restrictions and rules on us, bogging the natural way of the world down and forcing everyone to wear pants.

Twenty five years ago the PMRC started draining the fun out of America by forcing all the good albums produced to put a warning label on them claiming the word usage was "foul." Although this did make it much easier for children and adults alike to find the hip new music that was actually worth listening to, it made it more difficult for kids to purchase this music, forcing them to play the exciting game of "hey mister." But now the PMRC is striking again, throwing a 25th anniversary party that will make all bad words illegal.

Obscene language has been a cornerstone of proper English grammar ever since it was invented by the Egyptians and has been carried through time and is always expanding. The power of bad words is astonishing. No other kind of word has quite the charm or hurt associated with it. Consider a compliment such as "damn girl you freaky" without being profane. It just doesn't have the same ring to it. Having this new rule in effect is going to remove the color from the life of millions upon millions of poor people that just like to have fun and voice their opinion.

This ban on foul language in no way can be constitutional. Our first amendment right is to be able to say what is on our minds, no matter how long it has been since you last washed your mind. Thomas Jefferson specifically wrote this rule in because of the raunchy things that came out of his mouth on a daily basis, making Ben and John and George among many others laugh hysterically. On top of that, the 18th amendment made it possible to speak easy, and I find profanity very easily sliding off my tongue.

The one good thing that can come from this ban of all fun language in the United States is extended spring breaks in Mexico. Mexico will become the new hangout spot for all fun Americans who need to blow off some steam about their boss and his hot daughter. The large spike of people actually wanting to visit Mexico will over excite the drug cartel and spawn a new war-free environment where everyone is tripping on hard drugs and saying what they wish. Facebook alerts everywhere will be showing new profile pictures of groups of friends posing with drug cartel hoisting their large machine guns and cops dancing with full sized bulls. Even the man with the red cape is in on the action.

America will not so slowly fall down the ladder of places to visit, live, make music in and enjoying time in with this new bad word ban in effect. I will give it until Christmas that everyone living in America goes crazy from watching The Waltons and listening to Neil Diamond. The PMRC really went off the deep end this time, and the pool is really cold.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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