Ga Ga Ville, CA: A man calling himself "Lady Goo Goo" was caught by police yesterday with one of Lady Gaga's meat dresses, which he had reportedly stolen the night before.
The Los Angeles Spoof, the city's less well-known newspaper, was flooded with calls from the downtown area with the callers swearing (in a good way) that they saw, as one caller put it, "the famous singer in the infamous attire".
The apparition was reportedly sighted in several places throughout the night with people going nothing else but 'ga ga' over the moving meat. According to eyewitness reports the imposter was an "almost look-alike", and as such had no trouble gaining entry in the area's famous night clubs. However, his cover was only blown when at the last club the impostor visited someone spotted a bone sticking out of the meat dress where there should have been, well, just a soft spot. Also, by then the dress had begun to smell and small bits of meat had started to fall off.
City police were alerted and were soon on a stinking hot trail with their K-9 team. However, the trail went cold by dawn when the thief apparently disappeared in the busy Chinatown produce market where a mixture of meat and fish smells sent the K-9 team off-scent.
After a few false leads, with the dogs chasing carcases in the fresh produce market, the police had almost given up by early afternoon, when a local mutt-a nosewitness-offered help and led the K-9 team to a walk-in freezer of a Korean restaurant owned by a Thai-Vietnamese couple. Inside, the thief was found covered in ice and the meat dress stuck tightly to his skin. The police didn't even have to say "Freeze!"
A TSA team was called in to pat down the meat-and the bone, of course, which was the sticking point with respect to the impostor's identity. As no one came forward to press charges, including Lady Gaga herself, the apprehended man was charged only with misdemeanor and battery, the latter to shock his frozen brain back to a working condition.
The manager of the restaurant, Mr. Won Ton Soop, was allowed to keep what remained of the dress.
"It will be on the menu tonight," announced Mr. Won. "We will serve our special Korean dish, bulgogi, which we have renamed "Bulgaga", he said. "It's good meat and since it has traveled throughout the market, it would hardly need any marinading," he added.
A long queue was seen outside the restaurant later that night, with people rushing to sample Lady Gaga's fashion taste. Your correspondent interviewed a few returning patrons to ask them how it tasted. The responses ranged from 'exotic' and 'unusual' to 'peculiar'. "It was ok-like," said one woman, "but I think they used too much fish sauce or something, because it was like salty and over-fermented."
Mr. Won, who claims the Korean currency was named after his family after one of his forefathers won (there it goes again!) the currency naming contest ("and I'm the only Won in this business," he boasts), said that no fish sauce was added because "t's not a Thai dish." He suspected the fermented flavor was the meat's own, after having been out for almost a day, and the salty taste probably due to the meat absorbing Ladyman Goo Goo's-and Lady Gaga's as well-sweat.
Lady Gaga and her agencies have so far refused to answer the question about the bone.