WASHINGTON - Homeland Security Czar, Janet Napolitano, announced today that because of ancient Muslim beliefs, pat-downs of the left buttock of all Middle-Easterners will not be tolerated; this because of the Crusades during the 13th century where Christians from Europe marched to Baghdad and other Muslim cities to kick some Islam butt.
During this period of history, it was customary for warriors to kick ass and take names later. Naturally, the first thing these Christians did upon spotting a likely Muslim lurking was to use their right foot to kick the departing foe in the left buttock; more a physical thing than a preference.
In any event, it became a ritual of sort for at least a century. And, as many rituals progress, sexual overtones manifest themselves. In this case, the left buttock became more than just another piece of meat. And as Janet Napolitano stated in her announcement; "the rest is history."