Washington DC -- According to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. the "War on Terror" is officially over. Tomorrow at 3 p.m. EST it will be replaced by a "Global Struggle against the Enemies of Freedom," a phrase which Arabic station Al-Jazeera translated in their re-broadcast as "Jihad."
In a news conference this morning, President Bush stated "War indicates a military solution is required. That's a problem you're required to solve using your military. Even the Democrats can see there's no military solution to this struggle. So we've gotten smart and taken the 'War' out of the 'War on Terror.'" It's like de-caffinated coffee. It's still coffee, it just doesn't contain the caffinies."
Bush continued, "From now on this, ahh, this thing will strictly be a struggle against our enemies. You know, kinda like two Sumo wrestlers trying to out-Sumo one another." Bush added, "I'm greatly relieved the war part of this - ahh, err, this thing that is now over is over."
Reporters asked White House spokesperson Scott McClellan if anyone in the Bush administration noted the irony in the fact that the Arabic word "Jihad" translates as "Struggle against one's enemies" Quipped McClellan, "Grammatically, I suppose that's true." But we successfully used the phrase "Clear Skies Initiative" to allow an increase in air pollution, and "Operation Healthy Forests" to permit greater logging of old growth areas. The American public is so ignorant that any word with more than two syllables that's consistently mis-used by the President starts taking on the meaning of exactly what he intended it to mean, nothing more, nothing less. So in this case, the war is over. Kaput.
According to spokesperson McClellan the White House was extremely concerned it might be accused of flip-flopping if planned troop withdrawals proceed. Says McClellan, " Rove, who's an expert at these things, realized the only way we could win would be to lose the word "war." You know, 'Destroy the village in order to save it?' If there's no war, if it's only a struggle, then there won't be any winners or losers. You guys remember "Peace with Honor," don't you? Rove came up with that one too, I think.
Continued McClellan, "Did I go over the Sumo wrestling example with you guys? It's considered uncouth to snicker at the guy who gets tossed out of the ring first. Officially there is no winner or loser at Sumo. You've got to let the other guy save face. That's what the re-branding of this, ahh, struggle will do for your President. Even if we get tossed out of Iraq on our ass, we get to save face because officially, we didn't lose."
According to Rumsfeld, "The military won't be giving up their M-16's anytime soon. We've agreed to set up boxing rings, lay down wrestling mats, Persian carpets, prayer mats and so forth. We've got GI's willing to struggle with any Muslim who steps forward, mano-a-mano. But if some towelhead decides to try and run one of our checkpoints we're going to give him a lead shower, that's what we'll do."
Added McClellan, "Even if what you reporters is saying is true, and I'm not saying it is, but if we've inadvertently adopted our enemies' phraseology (Jihad) it doesnÕt mean Operation Enduring Freedom is lost. You can't lose something that's just a struggle, a wrestling match. Re-branding the conflict eliminates potential accusations of flip-flopping. That's an accusation the President takes much more seriously than say, the Geneva Convention."