It was announced today that Barry Obama's recent injuries were incurred when he slipped out of the grasp of his Secret Service handlers and was almost trampled to death at 3 a.m. as a horde of frenzied shoppers ran him over trying to scoff up the brand new video game "Grand Theft Auto-Chicago" during 'Black Friday's' holiday shopping promotion to jump start the economy!
Obama, who has been noted to disappear for hours out of sight of his security detail, for no announced reason, despite rumours on his marriage difficulties where he has been heard saying, "I do not have sex with that woman, Michelle Robinson (Obama)!
According to store security Obama was knocked to the ground with a flying elbow administered by an irate woman, Tibatha "Tookie" Hightower, as Barry tried to cut in line to get one of the only 50 games offered at the cut rate price of $29.95 when they usually sell for $495 in the store, and $175 on the corner after a home burglary.
Part time store employee Mahmoud Mohammed who is not eligible for health care since his employer applied for and was granted an exemption, was credited with saving the life of the president by dragging him by the scruff of the neck from under the feet of stampeding and rampaging shoppers.
It was only when Mahmoud saw the brief case containing the nuclear codes and red button chained to Obama' s wrist, that he realized who he had just rescued.
Mahmoud called 911 and the President was soon released into the custody of the Secret Service which promptly rushed him to Walter Reed Army hospital, only running over 6 pedestrians and causing a 25 car pile up on Avenue A.
Doctors at the hospital, who left several Afghan vets on the operating table with life threatening wounds to treat the President, said he was recovering after receiving 12 stitches to his lips which left them "puffier than usual", but that with proper rest and care helped by another vacation, would enable the president to return to his regularly scheduled 4 times a day appearance on day time television.
A medical spokesman for the president vehemently denied that he had undergone an ear tuck operation and 'butt enhancement' while under anesthesia.
In a gesture of thanks, Mahmoud, who it was discovered was an undocumented illegal alien with ties to a militant religious group, was given a presidential pardon and sent on to Boston where he was given a free 2000 square foot duplex, a used car, a cell phone, a debit card and dental care while he awaits an appointment to the city's Probation Department due to some recent vacancies over claims of fraud, nepotism, expense violations, and excessive absenteeism.
The incident marks the first time that the president has ventured into predominately controlled afro-american territory since he was elected, preferring to shop, socialize and party with mostly affluent, liberal and very rich white people.
Said a disgusted Secret Service Agent, " I tried to tell him about Black Friday, but would he listen? No...he said nothing would happen to him because he transcended race and everybody loved him. Maybe now he'll listen and give up his infatuation with himself and make my job a lot easier! Bet he won't dare to venture out for the upcoming January White Sales, neither...not with HIS ratings!"