Washington AC/DC - (Ass Mess): A basketball injury has seen President Obama's mouth sewn up by emergency room surgeons.
The last time White House medics had a chance to practice their blanket stitch techniques was when a half-cut George W Bush fell off the sofa - during a very different kinda ballgame.
Today's incident saw the presidential gob split open with the suspected loss of a number of canines.
The President's teeth also took a battering - according to the official White House dog walker Valerie Jarret.
The injury was initially thought to be self-inflicted amid flagging ratings, crap economic news and a big chance to go for a nationwide sympathy vote.
Later this afternoon rumors flew around Capitol Hill that Michelle had clocked him one in the face following some minor domestic spat.
"There'll be no kissing for the President for at least a week," a White House spokesperson commented today, "in fact not much oral anything."
Rahm Emanuel's tutu is in for a service wash.