Written by Adam Click
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Tuesday, 29 March 2011

image for Turkey Pardoned by Bush Kills Family in Upper New York State
Flower, a turkey pardoned by President Bush, is now accused of murder.

Flower, a turkey pardoned by President Bush in November of 2007, is now accused of murdering a family of 5 in upper New York State. The Norton family of Rowling, New York, were enjoying a quiet Sunday afternoon at home when the alleged crime took place.

According to police, flower, who had earlier escaped from a nearby petting zoo, was searching for drugs when the family surprised her in the upper floor bathroom of the home that they shared with a dog, a cat, and three hamsters. What followed apparently wasn't pretty. The family's entrails were splattered across the bathroom walls in a pattern consistent with those made by an enraged turkey protecting its turf.

Police investigating the scene were sickened by the unspeakable carnage they discovered. "There were feathers and guts everywhere." police detective Captain Picard explained at a hastily called news conference. "It was like somebody dumped a huge plate of cranberries and sweet potatoes on the floor, mixed them together and did the breast stroke in 'em."

A statement released by President Bush's office claimed that the former president had been told that "Flower was docile and a good candidate for a pardon", adding that nothing in the turkey's past indicated a problem with drugs or violent behavior. It didn't take long for Democrats to try and capitalize on the situation, however.

Several congressional Democrats are using the incident in their campaign commercials, and to good effect according to tracking polls.

Flower is being held without bond in county jail pending an intial court hearing. The hearing, originaly scheduled for Wednesday, has been postponed until next week.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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