In a leaked memo from the TSA, a report indicates that thirty percent of the people in the TSA screening lines are just there for the pat down! The TSA has tried to suppress the news but many airports around the country are reporting the same phenomenon. In Newark, sources say a busload of nuns from a local convent arrived and scattered to several airline screening lines. Airport personnel say the nuns were seen thirty minutes later returning to their bus, smiling, laughing, and high-fiving each other.
In Chicago, at O'Hare Airport, the airport manager reported that two vans from an assisted living center in Wilmette, Illinois arrived with twenty senior citizens, some with walkers and a few in wheel chairs. As in Newark, the seniors spread out among the airline screening lines and thirty minutes later were observed returning to the vans with smiles and laughter. One woman in a wheelchair was heard saying to her attendant, "I think I'm in love!"
"The TSA is making every effort to protect the public and our employees," says a source within the administration. The remark was issued after several reports of misconduct by screeners. In one instance in Memphis, a screener was heard talking on a cell phone saying to a fellow screener in an adjoining line, "I've got a 34 Double D in the line. I'll trade you for that long-legged red head you've got coming up." "Ten-four," was the reply. In another instance a gay screener was overheard saying, "I'll take a bird in the hand any day over two in the bush!"
As the TSA was bombarded with complaints, there seemed to be a flip-side to the controversy. In Omaha, a man who had been screened instead of patted own asked for extra copies of his picture to post on dating sites while another ordered twenty copies for Christmas cards. In Dallas, a kindergarten teacher overheard a six-year-old boy ask a six-year-old girl if she wanted to "play airport."
In related news, the TSA has officially changed its name to T & A and has announced it is no longer accepting applications for employment. "We have a thousand applications for every opening," said an official.