HOUSTON -- Mission Control guidance computers are attempting to regain control of space shuttle Discovery after the shuttle's commander ignited on-board boosters, broke earth orbit and radioed Mission Control that they were .. "Head'n for Mars".
Details are still sketchy but sources say that Discovery, 11 hours after launch suddenly slowed down to 587 times the speed of a bullet and flipped
topside up (which in actuality is bottom side down when viewed from Boise).
"I immediately IM'd my manager" one NASA engineer told concerned KXYZ reporters. "I knew the shuttle wasn't supposed to do THAT. Flip topside up .. Is it?"
CNN's new chief science editor, Soledad O'Brien said that yes, normally the shuttle does fly upside down as it "orbitulates our planet". She went on to add,
"But, if it's upside down, how do they keep from spilling their Tang?".
Chilling words, "We're head'n for Mars", if indeed Space Shuttle Discovery has been skyjacked by it's own crew. 12 year old Timmie Jones of Dallas told Soledad and her CNN crew,
"They won't make it. To Mars. Too far. They won't make it to Tatooine even."
NASA scientists agree with little Timmie ... About the non-Tatooine part. An unnamed NASA propulsion engineer (Leon Salinger) told reporters,
"I'd say the crew doesn't have enough gas to get them past Microsoft's orbiting spy satellite let alone all the way to Mars. Perhaps Discovery's faulty gas gauge tells them that they've got enough to coast on in I don't know".
Mars or not America breathes a sigh that the shuttle left the surly bounds of earth safely. Only time will tell if Mission Control's guidance computers (powered by Win XP) can hack into Discovery's computers (powered by Win 2000) and regain control of Discovery, flip it around, topside down then bring it home.
Unconfirmed sources confirm that a new transmission from the crew, now 23,000 miles away from Boise was intercepted by Art Bell of Coast to Coast AM. Bell, reluctant to reveal anything remotely related to reality did tell fully armed FBI agents that stormed his Nevada desert ranch home,
"The astronauts said they're head'n for Mars. That's all I know. You do know that Mars was once part of the Klingon Empire?. Hey. Where are you going?"
FBI agents returned to Washington, armed with no new information for President Bush other than ..
"They're head'n for Mars". Or Tatooine. Whichever comes first. Faulty gas gauges permitting.