In a devastating blow to old chum, among others, researchers at Stanford University have concluded that life most definitely is not a cabaret. The 6 billion dollar taxpayer-funded study also concluded that life is not at all like a box of chocolates, nor is it a bowl of cherries; although, research data surprisingly suggested that the unexamined life is indeed worth living, especially for those with HDTV.
"It's important that people not harbor illusions about human existence," stated Paul Rutherford, head researcher at Stanford's Pointless Pursuits Department. "For the most part, people will not serve you food and drinks while performing a satirical floor show. That's the ideal, of course, but it's simply not realistic, unless you're the pocket-sized Supreme Leader of North Korea or maybe Tiger Woods."
Rutherford reported that future studies hopefully will ascertain once and for all if splendor actually can be achieved in the grass and if anyone in Seattle is willing to bet their bottom dollar that the sun will come out tomorrow. "We're also trying to determine an answer to the age old of question of whether it's true that once you're a Jet you're a Jet all the way, or if you can be a Jet half of the way or even a third. That's the one that will change the world," Rutherford gushed before slowly walking away snapping his fingers.