Washington, D.C.--Jane Fonda, that veteran vixen of Vietnam vehemence, is at it again. Only this time she's a-totin'! Yep, that once traitorous trollop has appealed to the Bush administration to join American and allied armed forces, lending her "services" to the fight to find Osama Bin Ladin and bring every last infidel to justice.
Seen here in her latest military fashion statement, Ms. Fonda, first to hear those now famous words "You're FIRED!" from former husband and master, Donald Trump, is hoping the fame she garnered in her last "tour" in Vietnam will bolster her latest attempt to regain the spotlight. At a recent press conference, Vietnam veterans were said to have stormed police barricades to get close to her. "I crawled all the way on my hands and knees from Tucson, Arizona, just to touch the soft, vulnerable skin of her neck," gasped a homeless Vietnam vet who called himself "Pianowire Pete." And a Pentagon staffer who refused to identify herself saw the Fonda fete as "just what the doctor ordered" to run Osama to ground and bring the war on terrorism to an abrupt end.
When asked about a rumored bus tour to end the war, Fonda responded with a wave of dismissal. "That was just a little stunt to get a bit of media attention. I intended to enlist all along. It's been a lifelong dream of mine to ‘sling lead,' and I just can't wait to ‘smell fresh Napalm in the morning!" Who are we to tell her that Napalm went out of use about the same time as her endless series of fitness videos.
Before helicoptering to some God-awful place in either Afghanistan or Iraq, Jaunty Jane expected to undergo a couple of days of intensive combat tactics training. It seems she has a few ideas of her own she wishes to share with her fellow warriors. One of her brainstorms has to do with a large piece of white fabric attached to a long stick to be used when confronting the enemy. Her other bright idea involves pamphlets that offer aid and comfort to any terrorist who buys her workout videos at discount prices with free shipping, hand delivery and personal guidance by hers truly.
White House spokesperson Tony Little expressed absolute glee at the prospect of a fatigued Fonda fleeing faraway to fight foreign foes. "At least now I can take over the American airways and sell a few of my own fitness videos and equipment. Thanks to Jane, my business venture won't go under after all."
Rumor has it, Osama's lust for the sexy sexagenarian will bring him out of hiding in no time. "I'm a sucker for any woman not wearing a burqa!" the bearded bushwacker confessed in his latest audio-taped rant against everything in the Western World except the women. Osama's voice was confirmed by his exhortation about the fulfillment of his life long dream to be with the Fondababe, "I can't wait to pump HER up!" What followed was the sound of an AK-47 emptying its magazine as the tape ran out.