Washington, DC -- The Transportation Security Administration responding to complaints, over what many consider excessive pat-downs, gropes, fondles, pokes, twiddles, pawing, squeezing, grabbing, caressing, frisking, handling, prying, searching, fingering, exploring, feel ups, pokes, and grasping is to radically change at all US airports.
According to a spokesman, they intend to hire and train 'People Sniffers' to catch the pesky terrorists.
"We will only hire vertically challenged people, i.e. dwarfs, shrimps, midgets, runts, munchkins, hobbits, retired jockeys and smurfs.They will be prohibited from touching any person going through airport security but will be permitted, to smell all body parts.
"Rest assured, nothing will come between 'People Sniffers' and your junk."
Following intense training at the FAA Technical Center, People Sniffers will be able to differentiate between urine, sweat, smegma , skid marks, crotch rot, toe jam, bacterial vaginosis, baby poop, and your basic BO.
"If there is Semtex in the breast enhancements, bombs in the underwear, explosives in the baby formula, plastique in the tampon, matches in the shoes or C-4 in the portable penis extender, the flying public can rest assure, 'People Sniffers' will be able to detect the differences between human effluents and the non human ones used by potential terrorists, " boasted the spokesman.