New York, NY-- The degrading airline security searches are about to get a lot more degrading next week. Homeland Insecurity fears that a terrorist may eventually insert a bomb up their ass. To prevent this, airline passengers must now defecate in front of TSA officers before boarding any flights.
Homeland Insecurity's Janet Napolitano says the new searches are needed immediately.
"Just don't 'go' before leaving for the airport. If you're constipated, take a laxative." she suggested.
Passengers will be required to sit on glass toilets until they defecate. A TSA officer will watch the entire time, and then finger the feces to check for any explosive devices.
"There is no right to privacy anymore. You people are animals, and you deserve to be treated like animals." said 'Big Sister'.