Written by Moby
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Topics: Economy, New York

Sunday, 24 July 2005

While recent reports speak of the recovering economy, declining unemployment trends have coalesced in one of the most historic layoffs of our time--and now, New York's own Statue of Liberty is out of a job.

The unfortunate news came unexpectedly to Liberty last Tuesday, when several security guards denied her access to her concrete foundation. Many of Liberty's belongings were delivered yesterday to her doorstep, among them her chains and crown. Citizens and officials alike heckle the poor condition that her equipment is in; the chains have been broken but never repaired, while the crown remains dangerously unblunted.

A frenchwoman, Ms, Liberty was hired by the New York Port Authority in 1885 to 'stand and look pretty, fill newcomers with abundances of hope, and such forth'. In her prime, she was a remarkable worker. For more than a century Liberty had been an inspirational beacon, not only to tense, foreign immigrants but to the proud citizens of America as well. And never once was she caught lifting pens or stealing toilet paper from the supply closet.

However, modern courtesy demands skills that are far superior to Liberty's, who dropped out of Monument College in 1882 to pursue an acting career. New Yorkers especially are unimpressed with Liberty's enduring ability to hold her torch for extensive periods of time, and teenagers have continued to protest her dated clothing style since 1997.

In Washington, a number of groups have lobbied against her disheartening pale green coloration, and the American Teachers' Union recently expressed a thorough disregard for her frivolously-endorsed tablet, which lacks both quality literature content and a proper works cited. Health advocates, meanwhile, balk at Liberty's sickly bodyweight, a lofty 150 tons.

Despite more than a century of service, Liberty was merely three years short of earning her retirement pension, leaving her dependent on only a small savings account. Without a degree and lacking the proper office training, Liberty has no decent means of financial security, though she has expressed an interest to return to the stage.

New York has since spoken about hiring a bronze, 200-ft panda as Liberty's replacement. The Chinese figure, a graduate of the prestigious Sculpture Academy, juggles bowling pins and balances plates on his nose, clearly a more appropriate emblem for these modern times.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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