BROOKLYN - Underground syndicate boss Salvatore "The Pizza Man" Goombalini has made it very clear to the TSA that he is not going to be putting up with having his private parts caressed, groped, or even touched.
Goombalini speaking on Good Morning America said that he has worked hard all his life, he pays his taxes, and he donates lots of money to every telethon that he watches on his big screen TV in Brooklyn.
He grinned and said that he takes monthly business trips to Detroit, Chicago, and Kansas City, and that when he does he does not want to be bothered with having to go through no damn X-ray machine or even worse have his groin dangler felt up by some pat down clowns acting like a couple of starved monkeys who are kicking each other's ass over a banana.
He told GMA's George Stephanopoulos that he has officially gone on record as saying "You toucha my salami, I feeda you to da fish."
Goombalini said that he is probably more of a dedicated, devoted, and patriotic American than that cartoon snow character woman who lives up in the iceberg state.
He rolled his eyes and said that the sweet little snowflake belongs in the kitchen baking some oatmeal raisin cookies for her man instead of jumping into state owned helicopters and blasting the hell out of unsuspecting moose, caribou, zebras, and reindeer.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Stephanopoulos later said that there was no way in hell that he was going to tell Sal Goombalini that there are no zebras in Alaska.]
Sal told George that although he can't see Russia from his Brooklyn home that he does know that Africa ain't no effen city in Denmark. He also remarked that he wasn't bragging but that he learned all of the state capitals by the time he was only ten weeks old.
Sal "The Pal" as his close 'associates' call him noted that he personally pays more taxes than the entire tax paying population of the state of Delaware.
He took a sip of his imported bottle of 1955 Friends of Frank Sinatra Wine, smiled and said that every time that his 'company' makes a transaction that he is actually paying for an F-15 jet fighter.
When Stephanopoulos asked if he would at least be willing to remove his underwear and waving them in front of the TSA pat down security inspectors he raised his eyebrows and said that Sal Goombalini has never ever taken his boxer shorts off in public and he is not going to start now.
SIDENOTE: According to an inside source, Mr. Sal Goombalini has been given an official White House issued laminated card that allows him to bypass not only all airport pat down procedures and X-ray machine scanners, but all metal detectors as well.