WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Democrats and Republicans, sick of those lousy fundamentalist and the foolish T.P., have signed an executive order to assassinate all of them.
At 12.40pm (ET), a Tea Party meeting in New Orleans was broken up by Special Forces, with gunshots.
At 1.09pm, helicopters flew over several areas where Bible Fundamentalists were prominent, and dropped missiles equipped with Funda-Detectors.
A press release from Congress said this:
"It may seem harsh that we would use aggressive force to do this. However, the fundamentalists were being stubborn and going against the very plans that would save their asses. The Tea Party have no idea how hard it is to pass laws here, are pushing us to make stupid things happen. Also, if they were to become powerful, they would wreck the nation. We may be shit, but we're the best you got, so if any of you douchebags who sit and watch 'Idol' and 'Top Model' have any better ideas on running this country without putting us into even more debt, please sent in your suggestions you twerps."
However, many Americans were happy with the new assassination orders.
"They got rid of my cousin Shona, and her brother-husband, Mike," said one New Yorker. "They were always complaining about how 'liberal' our children were, and told us that the lord would smite us for supporting the muslim mosque thingy. They're the same fucking religion, just different ways of expressing it..."
As of press time, David Cameron, UK Prime Minister, was considering the same idea with all of Britain's chav population.