LOS ANGELES - The Transportation Security Administration has issued a departmental directive stating that Hollywood celebrities Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, and Kim Kardashian will all be exempt from having to go through a "Pat Down" security measure if they refuse to go through the X-ray machine.
Clovis Baxter Shamnoodle, 47, spokesperson for the TSA stated that he wants it made abundantly clear that the three named celebrities are in no way, shape, or form being given preferential treatment.
Shamnoodle noted that everyone in America knows Lohan, Sheen, and Kardashian, and is aware of the fact that they all make an unbelievably amazing amount of money for doing what it is that they do.
He went on to say that the TSA governing committee has determined that there is just no way that the three named individuals would risk their fame, wealth, and untold riches by even remotely thinking about trying to conceal an illegal apparatus in either their underwear or a cavity/orifice found on their body.
Shamnoodle went on to say that by allowing celebrities to bypass this new security 'Pat Down' measure it will insure that the flights will not be delayed.
He noted that it is certainly a 'Win-Win' situation for all concerned parties.
In a non-related story. Nancy Pelosi said that she watched the first installment of the TLC reality show starring Sarah Palin's family entitled 'Sarah Palin's Frozen Alaska' and that she wanted to point out that the Palin's were not really salmon fishing on a real lake because she knows for a fact that it was a fake lake and in fact it was the same exact fake lake that was used in the opening credits of the old Andy Griffith Show.