Written by John Peurach
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Topics: rahm emanuel

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

image for Ear Muffs!! - Mr. Emanuel Goes Back To Chicago
MY KIND OF TOWN: North Side, South Side, it's back to basics, baby, with shakedowns all around.

CHICAGO - Former White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel officially began his never in doubt quest to become Chicago's next mayor with a stunning hit-the-floor-gunning debut last Saturday before a seemingly wide awake throng of supporters shoehorned into the tiny library of soon-to-be shut down John C. Coonley School on Chicago's Cub-infested North Side.

Needless to say, it was nothing if not a typically un-pretty, WTF sight.

None of which, of course, had anything to do with Rahm's sharply cut set of semi-dignified, yet entirely appropriate, Dolce & Gabbana threads.

But did, as it soon turned out, have everything to do with this latest Citizen Candidate prodigal son's altogether tough guy hopes to nudge, impress, and, in the end, ultimately capture the up-for-grabs hearts and minds of anyone currently cursed with floating along with the incoming/outgoing tide that's all too quickly turning this strong-shouldered city's great unwashed into nothing more than someone's (Gee, I wonder who's?) latest batch of taffy pull tested, ego-driven approved, how-you-like-me-now, me the man gravy.

All of which, begs to ask the same all-important question, as posed by the ever-reliable verbal-unfriendly candidate himself before a muddy puddle of onlookers, "How you like me now, motherf&#%ers?"

But then, what, pray tell, were you expecting to hear escape from the tight, you -can-kiss-my-a%# lips of this season's great white dope, when, right off the bat guano, he seemed to go nowhere but out of his way to not only get, but seriously tug job, the crowd at, "Hello, Chicagoland f&%@heads! I am here. I am yours. Now's let's say we all do something right for a change and, damn straight, get all the way down and like, get f@#%in' busy!"

And so, the torch was so decidedly passed. For (nothing) better, and worse.

All of which couldn't help but soon enough get even worser. If that's possible.

It is. And was.

Or, as such - in these days of textbonics, lazy online grammatical usage and/or the continued downward evolutionary spiraling of any severely limited spelling techniques already well in place during recent years - just one more thing seemingly understood to be entirely expected.

But then, such is the nature of the beast when Rahm-speak is in used like a club to bring down da house. Or, at the very least, go even deeper in hopes of ripping it a nice new one.

Meanwhile, from the looks, sounds, and (oh yeah) smells of many of those in attendance to otherwise witness Emanuel's verbal knee-in-the-nuts, big hat (off a little head) in the ring toss off, the guy seems to have struck a helluva local nerve.

In other words, he who shall bully his way though we the people, generally has a good shot at leading, at least some of us, to a promise land that generally finds a way to keep anyone not on board, fully at bay, and often marginalized into the next new and improved, group-think oblivion.

Hey, it's worked before. And, as the sign says, "This be Chicago!" So, it should, no doubt, be almost all the way there to be oh so well worked again.

"Whatever happens in Chicago from now on, will stay in Chicago!" Emanuel announced to the new ever-faithful, fully aware, it seems, that a variation of what spins in Vegas, should be a good fit and easy sell in everyone's favorite Second City.

"Especially, if, as in the past," Emanuel quickly added, "a not exactly up-front side door deal is already, or will soon be in place that otherwise involves an envelope of untraceable funds and/or the more commonly preferred shoebox full of nice crisp Benjamins."

When reminded by several members of the attending press, that his proposed policies seemed remarkably similar to those previously enacted in such far flung places as Cuba, Venezuela, Myanmar, Sierra Leone, what's currently left of Serbia, several neighboring counties in Kentucky and Tennessee, any territory at Fox News that's been otherwise decidedly marked by Glenn Beck, and, of course, both the Capone and Jane Byrne eras of Chicago itself, Emanuel responded pretty much as expected, "Yeah, so what the f@$# else is new? I mean, besides you being a bunch of no good, stupid a#% motherf>%&ers! Next? Come on now you mangy s#&^heads, you can pitch 'em in a little harder than that nothing but bulls%&# kind of crap, or can't you?"

Well, of course they tried. After all, that's what the American free press is designed to do when favorite son tyrants are allowed to roam all the way home.

But of course, most if not all of Emanuel's extended series of quickly fired back replies often dovetailed into some sort of over-the-top, profanity-laced, free form, free for all that seemed to center primarily on steak knives, showing off his dazzling, ultra-expensive watch, and incessantly reminding all ears tuned into his endless whirlwind-like rant that apparently coffee is for closers.

All of which added even more fuel to the ongoing speculation tire fire that Pulitzer Prize winning playwright David Mamet might, in some way, be indirectly involved in establishing the carefully constructed foul mouth wording of any potential would-be Emanuel campaign platform.

Meanwhile, word has already leaked out that, due to prior commitments, fellow Chi-Town hot-wired hairpin Jeremy Piven ("Entourage") will not be in any assume the position to play Emanuel should he, in fact, be elected mayor (as expected) and quickly proceed to bulldog his way into leading this once proud Midwest village into the next glorious stage of it's continual ongoing urban legend desire to be nothing but apparently at war and peace with itself.

Or, at the very least, in a sort of bi-polar, dirty pool throwdown, that can't help but always seem to still knock 'em dead in the city that works

Either way, if this kind of horses%#@ stuff really works in the toddlin' town, look for the elections of 2012 (and all future politics in general) to be even more of a hoot and a holler, besides being the usual unavoidable, total motherf#%>in' kick in the a#$.

Any higher destination requires either a 2/3's approval vote from Congress, and, of course, the sudden onset of a bad case of anything but good (common sense-like) taste.

Of which, it seems, there's already enough to go around for everyone.


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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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