Washington, DC - After several outbursts and reported in-fighting, tea party leaders have band caffeinated tea from their rallies. Police were called to a recent meeting of party followers after hyped up members began brawling.
"She said my father wore high heels and then made fun of my penis;" one man reported.
The woman stated that the man in question was saying naughty things to her and was involved in a bit of ass-grabbing during the pledge of allegiance.
"He said he liked my cup and saucers and then grabbed my ass," she said.
Another man became irate after party leaders questioned whether it was coffee in his cup and not tea. He was later found to have a double-shot white chocolate mocha and not tea.
"We kicked him out after he admitted to the dirty deed and he became really pissed off. He started yelling and was completely unapologetic for his poor judgment. One shot is bad enough, but he had two and that is not the kind of person we want at our meetings."
Members will now be required to pass a sniff test before coming into the meetings.
"We hope this will cut down on the violence."
When asked how they would be able to sniff out caffeine, they said they have specially trained monkeys for that purpose.
"They used to work for Congress, but since the election, they have nothing to do."