Written by Mark Lowton
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Topics: Sex, Farmers

Tuesday, 9 September 2003

image for Beef farmer finds wife in bed with prize heifer
Jim Stewart - Beef Farmer

Beef farming, the latest vogue in farming circles, has turned one happy farmer's long love affair with the business, in to one big nightmare.

Jim Stewart (43, Oklahoma) was one of the pioneers in the art of farming beef. Over 12 long years he had come to perfect his own unique technique and was renouned world wide by farmers and enthusiasts. Jim's book "So...you wanna be a beef farmer?" has sold literally tens of copies world-wide.

Throughout the early days of his career, Jim's wife Mary "Missy" Sue (30) had given him all the love, care and support a man's wife could give. Money was tight, times were hard but in true country and western style, Missy stuck by her man. Jim's book even opens with a dedication to his wife. His wife, and his prize heifer, Doris.

Jim loved Doris like all farmers love their cows. Only in a platonic sense he hastened to add in the interview. Jim likened his relationship with Doris to the relationship one would have with a close childhood friend. Jim would do anything for Doris and cared for her very much. He even decorated a room in his house in the style of a barn for Doris to sleep.

One day, Jim was called away to a book signing for his new book "So...you're a beef farmer...what next?" People had queued outside the book shop in anticipation of Jim's arrival. After signing three copies of his new book, Jim decided to return home rather than wait for other potential fans.

Upon returning home, Jim was worried to hear the groans of a cow coming from upstairs. Worried his prize heifer was in some kind of trouble Jim rushed up his straw covered stairs to assess the situation.

He checked Doris' room, but Doris was no-where to be seen, not even in her en suite bathroom that Jim had installed the year before.

He could still hear her moans, coupled now with the grunts of his wife, Missy.

Terrible thoughts began running through Jim's mind, his cow and his wife, his two most prized possessions, were in trouble. A burglar perhaps? Maybe worse!

Jim heard a crash from his bedroom. Without thinking, he grabbed his shotgun that had been discarded on the landing and he burst in the room, his shirt arms slightly torn where his bulging farmer's biceps had broken through the fabric.

What Jim was greeted with, nothing could have prepared him for. His cow and wife were in bed, his bed, together. His marital bed, in which he had consummated his love with his wife, was now soiled with the filth of this sick love affair.

Jim's wife pleaded with him, quickly explaining the situation, tripping over her own words, while Doris frantically attempted to cover her remaining dignity in the bed covers.

Jim pulled the trigger. He pulled again.

They were dead. They were both dead. His heart was shattered.

Jim, this poor distraught man who had known nothing but misery and dismay, when he believed things were turning for the better, his dreams were just thrown into the firey depths of hell in a split second before his eyes.

Jim is now serving a 20 year jail sentence for murder and has begun writing a new book, a fiction based on his experience, simply entitled, "Beef Farming."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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