Written by Evan Essence
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Topics: Iraq, Saddam Hussein

Saturday, 16 July 2005

image for Bush Launches New Effort to Find WMD
US citizen trying to find out why the US is occupying Iraq

In the face of increasing public skepticism about the course of the war in Iraq, George Bush has announced that he will step up efforts to find the Weopons of Mass Destruction, which he says Saddam Hussein had used to threaten the entire Free World.

"We are trying to find the reason we invaded Iraq" Bush said Thursday at a press conference.

The comments came at a press conference in which Bush expressed surprise that people would call for the resignation of his White House Chief of Staff, just because he had committed a felony. "I have complete confidence in Karl Rove, even though he has committed a felony." Bush told reporters.

Political analysts say that after Bill Clinton was caught having a blow job in the White House, the public no longer cares what happens in the White House, and having a White House Chief of Staff who has committed a felony is not anything that the American people are concerned about.

The scandal errupted when it was learned that Karl Rove, in an act of vendetta, had revealed the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plume, the wife of former Ambassador Joseph Wilson, who had determined that the claim that Iraq was buying enriched uranium for a WMD program was a complete fabrication

Critics have claimed that the conquest of Iraq, which thusfar has resulted in the deaths of 5,000 to 10,000 Iraqi civilians, was motivated by the fact that Iraq sits on top of the world's second largest supply of oil, and that the key players in the Bush administration are all oil executives working for the benefit of the oil industry.

Condolezza Rice responded angrily to charges that her policies were geared to support the oil industry. "Just because I served 10 years on the board of directors of Chevron Oil doesn't mean I'm thinking about oil when I am carrying out my patriotic duties. We have reason to believe that Osama bin Laden may be hiding deep under the soil, in Iraq. Thats where we found Saddam Hussein. Thats why we are boring all these holes in the ground in Iraq."

"You mean there is oil in Iraq?" Bush exclaimed. " My intelligence didn't tell me that there is any oil in Iraq...." Political observers say they are not surprised George Bush can't find any oil in Iraq. When he had started his own oil company...Arbusto Oil....in 1978, he was apparently unable to find any oil in Texas. Thats why Arbusto ended up $3 million in debt before Bush was bailed out, and his company was swallowed up by Harken Energy Corp. With a track record like that, nobody is surprised Bush can't find any oil in Iraq.

Dick Cheney, who had been CEO of Haliburton Oil for 5 years before he was elected Vice President, was angry at the suggestion that his administration was helping the oil industry profit."

"Look, we are patriots...." said Cheney. "We all have some excellent management experience, and thought it our duty to come to Washington and offer our services to make government run more efficiently. We had already made billions of dollars for the oil industry. Why would we need to make any more money? We were concerned about all of the terrorists, and wanted to do something about it. With so many terrorists in the world, we simply don't have time to think about the oil, anymore."

Cheney, similarly, dismissed the suggestion that his administrations efforts to increase US offshore oil drilling, and oil drilling in Alaska, has anything to do with enriching the profits of the oil industry. "We simply knew the business of drilling for oil, and while we were in the White House, fighting terrorism, we thought we should help out our country by lending our considerable experience in setting up oil rigs, " he said.

Even though 98% of scientists in the world agree that Global Warming is real, Cheney reiterated his adminstration's opposition to ratifying the Kyoto Protocol. This has nothing to do with the profit margins of the oil companies, Cheney said. "Global Warming is'Bad Science' ".

"Even though we are an administration made up of oil executives, we are simply not interested in oil anymore," Cheney insisted. "All we care about is fighting terrorists."

Editors note: Evan Essence recieved his Masters Degree in Journalism (2003), and his PhD in Political Science (2004) from House-of-Spam Internet Marketing

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