Written by Juvenal Delinquent
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Saturday, 13 November 2010

image for Department of Homeland Security calls on Superman to help with scanning airline passengers

In a move to help quell the uproar over airport full-body scanners, Department of Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano put in a personal call to the Man of Steel asking for help.

The growing backlash from both passengers and pilots prompted an emergency meeting between the DHS and Transportation Security Administration officials to look for a solution before the busiest holiday travel season of the year.

With Thanksgiving fast approaching, leaders from several travel industry groups expressed concerns that passengers will avoid air travel altogether rather than submit to the new security measures.

Enter Superman.

"He has the power of x-ray vision. He's fast. He's here to protect the homeland and, more importantly, he can scan people without any danger of radiation exposure. Plus everyone likes Superman", Napolitano was quoted as saying.

Industry leaders immediately praised the move, however, grassroots groups protested, saying that it was only a stop-gap measure, and didn't address any long-term solutions for aviation security.

Superman, for his part, said he was thrilled with the idea. "I look forward to working with the DHS, TSA, and the airline industry to protect our citizens from harm", he said in a statement.

Passenger reaction was mixed, but most welcomed the idea of being ogled by the Krypton Man. For those choosing to opt-out of Superman's stare, a lead-based body suit will be provided. However, those passengers will still need to submit to the traditional pat-down procedures.

Some security experts worry that Lex Luthor might join forces with al Qaeda to thwart the effort by planting operatives with kryponite in airports, however, DHS officials dismissed the idea as, "highly unlikely".

Napolitano continued, "to underscore the Department's continued commitment to partnering with the nation's travel and tourism industry to facilitate the flow of trade and travel while maintaining high security standards to protect the American people, we believe that utilizing Superman's powers is a win/win for all parties involved."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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