New York, NY-- Airport security firms began rolling out the newest technology to fight terrorism today. The firms are borrowing and idea from the UFO world, and they will begin inserting anal probes into every airline passenger. The anal probes are meant to make sure no one has a grenade hidden up their ass.
Homeland Insecurity head Janet Napolitano introduced the anal probe at a special press conference today.
"We call this The Enforcer." said Ms. Napolitano. She held up a 5-foot iron crowbar for everyone to see. "The Enforcer will be shoved up your ass before you are permitted to board an airplane." she stated bluntly.
When a reporter asked her if the anal probe seemed a little extreme, Ms. Napolitano disagreed.
"Look. The American public are cattle. They deserve to be treated like animals. This is what people voted for in 2008, so this is what you get." she said sternly.
When someone else suggested the anal probe might be painful, Ms. Napolitano had some suggestions.
"Just grease up your ass before going to the airport. Try to enjoy it. Pretend you're a Democrat."