Written by Q. William Bacon
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Topics: Wikileaks, Star Wars

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

image for Wikileaks publishes plans of Death Star
Sculptor's rendering of the Death Star

Wikileaks, the organization that anonymously publishes submissions of secret documents, has posted the full schematics of the Galactic Empire's most enormous weapons station, the Death Star.

Publicly, the Emperor is downplaying the impact of the leaks. His press secretary stated, "Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe! Also, we regret any civilian casualties that may have been incurred during the granularization of the planet Alderaan...."

But internally, the Empire leadership is desperate to stop the leaks from reaching the Rebel headquarters. The crisis is of such high priority that it is being managed by the Emperor's number-two man, the ruthless, universally feared, part-man part-machine Sith Master of Evil, the Dark Lord Dick Cheney.

Concern over the leaks was expressed by a high-ranking official. "If the Rebels have obtained a complete technical readout of this station, it is possible, however unlikely, they might find a weakness and exploit it," he said under condition of anonymity because he didn't want to be tele-strangulated by the Dark Lord.

Further encouragement for the Rebels may or may not have been given by retired Jedi and current FoxNews analyst, Yoda. "A chain reaction the main reactor system the small thermal exhaust port two proton missiles shot into connected to will cause," he stated inconclusively.

Wikileaks.org, like all websites, gains its influence from the ubiquity of the modern internet. A veteran stormtrooper reflected on the change. "Twenty years ago, we'd just find the droid with the leaked plans and that was the end of it. But, nowadays, once the plans spread all over the web, well, it's impossible to put the guts back in the tauntaun," he said anonymously, because we couldn't tell one clone from another.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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