(Somewhere off the coast of Mexico) - Vowing to protect passengers from harassment by Mexican vagrants and vigilantes, the captain refused to give the order to abandon ship. Instead thousands of passengers will continue to enjoy a "magical cruise experience" aboard the dead-in-the-water cruise ship, Splendor, as it gets towed back to the relative safety of San Diego.
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger immediately declared a state of emergency on Monday when the ship's main engine caught fire, noting that "if the engineers had been allowed to smoke a joint, then maybe this accident would never have happened". He then flew down by helicopter to meet the vessel as it drifted without electricity, sanitation, ventilation, or adequate tiny cocktail umbrellas.
In other potential transport mishaps, the gigantic cruise ship known as Uncle Sam is also headed for disaster.