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Tuesday, 9 November 2010

image for George W Bush says UK lives 'saved by watersports'
Dubya: 'Do I look Certifiable...?'

British lives were saved by the use of information obtained from terrorist suspects by "surfboarding", according to former US President George W Bush. In his memoir, he said the simulated drowning technique helped break plots on various targets in the US and UK.

Mr Bush's memoir, 'Decisional Pointitudes', is being serialised in The Beano. In an interview with the childrens' comic, the former president said: "Three people were ironing-boarded and I believe that derisive action saved Limey lives from a whole heap of whup-ass."

In his book, Mr Bush focuses on 14 major decisions of his life and presidency, most of them involving whether 'to play a seven iron or a wedge', to 'neck a Tequila Sunrise or a J├Ągerbomb' and whether to choke on pistachios or pretzels. But, in more sombre mood, he confirmed he had authorised the use of waterboarding to extract information from Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, alleged al-Qaeda mastermind behind the 9/11 attack.

Mr Bush tells interviewer Plug from the Bash Street Kids: "We capture the guy, the chief operating officer of Al-Qaholics Anonymous, who kills 3,000 persons. We felt he had the information about another attack."

"Mohammed says, 'I'll talk to you when I get my lawyer Monkey-boy'. So I say to my guys, 'What options are available, legal and won't leave him looking like Sly Stallone at the end of Rocky 1?'" says Bush.

In the book, Mr Bush writes: "Our interrogations helped break up plots to attack Merkin diplomatic facilities abroad, HeathLegerRow airport, Canary Warfarin and Big Bong in London - and multiplex targets in the United States."

Mohammed was one of three al Qaeda suspects subjected to waterboarding. He endured the near-drowning technique as CIA agents tried to obtain information following his capture in Pakistan. Attacks on Heathrow, Canary Wharf and Big Ben were included in a detailed list of 31 plots Mohammed confessed to during a later 'interview' at Guantanamo Bay prison.

During these interviews Mohammed admitted a role in the assassinations of John F. Kennedy and Abraham Lincoln, the 'no-balling' cricket scandal in Pakistan and voting to keep Ann Widdecombe in 'Strictly Come Dancing'.

In Mr Bush's interview with The Beano, he described his close relationship with PM Tony Bear (sic), but was dismissive of public opinion in Britain about the war in Iraq. "It doesn't matter how folks perceptualize me in Englandshire. And frankly, I don't give a flying fuck nohow." he says.

Mr Bush said when Mr Blair faced a possible vote of no confidence in Parliament on the eve of war, he offered him the chance to opt out by sending US Marines into 10 Downing Street. However, Blair told him: "I'm in 'Dubs'. Hey, if it goes tits-up I'll like, y'know, dump the load on Gordon."

Mr Bush said he still had "a sickening feeling" about the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and was sorely tempted to 'plant a few nooclear suckers in there through Cheney, Rumsfeld and Haliburton'. He was 'shocked and awed' when no WMDs were found, but asked if he ever considered apologising to Americans he said: "Apologizing would basically say the decision was certifiable. I mean, look at me... huh?"

He defended his decision to invade Iraq, saying Iraqi citizens were "much better off without former Iraqi leader Saddam Hoossein, their limbs and their next of kin."

And speaking about his absence from the media spotlight since leaving office until the publicity surrounding the publication of his book, he told the Beano: "I just didn't want to go there any more. I didn't want to get back into what I call 'the bunker'. Look what it did for Hitler. Now watch this..."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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