Written by John Butler
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Sunday, 10 July 2005

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Nicknameless serial killer, Michael Chambers

Alaska- Alaskan serial killer, Michael Chambers, today expressed his growing frustration over having not yet received a sinister sounding serial killer nickname, essential to gaining the immortal notoriety all mass murderers crave.

Speaking from a strictly undisclosable location, a clearly exasperated Chambers moaned, "to date, I've killed 65 women and raped 64 of them- that's almost a 100% rape-to-murder record", his face swelling with pride. "To think CNN, Fox News or the US crime media at large have not christened me with a cool ‘n'catchy nickname yet is abominable… it's a complete farce - there's no justice in this world".

"You think to yourself as you're brutally knifing another helpless victim whether this will finally lead to a nickname".

Chambers' disenchantment has now reached such a pitch that he is even beginning to question whether the grotesque acts of evil he routinely carries out are ultimately worth it. He explained, "It starts to play on your conscience. You think to yourself as you're brutally knifing another helpless victim whether this will finally lead to a nickname. At this stage it becomes less and less likely", wiping a tear from his eye.

A thoughtful Chambers reflected, "There are some days when I wonder whether it was all worth it. To kill 65 women and not be rewarded with a cool nickname to recognise my achievement… I'll be honest… it hurts- it hurts real bad- I almost know how my victims must feel. Still, 65 women is one hell of a turnover in any mass-murderer's language".

Holding up some newspaper clippings he preserves to illustrate his point, he raged, "I mean look at these bloody headlines - "serial killer at large"; "rampaging psychopath strikes again"… these crime reporters have all the imagination of a lobotomised cow with CJD".

"I tell yah, some serial killers are so sloppy- they get away with murder".

Chambers disillusion is deepened by what he perceives as less deserving serial killers being granted cool nicknames left, right, and even centre.

Shaking his head, he complained, "When I think about all the, at best mediocre, serial killers that have been given cool nicknames…well, frankly, it just makes me want to puke. I mean I know some guys, they kill only two women- seriously TWO women- and they're literally thrown nicknames as if they're going out of fashion. I mean, they don't seem to even have to rape the women first, just a plain old blow to the head or knife across the throat, and, hey presto, you got yourself a nickname. I tell yah, some serial killers are so sloppy- they get away with murder".

Chambers mentioned the infamous Chicagoan, Dean Corll, alias "the Candy Man" as an example of the media's gross over-eagerness to bestow nicknames to the most undeserving.

He seethed, "Take Dean Corll, or "the Candy Man" (sticks tongue in cheek as he says this). Take nothing away from the lad, he's a quality killer, but I mean come on- 10 murders in the space of 15 years!!! That's child's play. I reached 30 murders in less than 3 years and they were all committed in Alaska- a sparsely populated region that makes it harder to identify and locate potential targets. But do I get a nickname… Heaven forbid".

He added, "And Corll tended to focus on the big, populous cities where the streets are literally lined with hookers and degenerates- sitting targets for any seasoned serial killer. Oh yeah, that was Dean Corll all over- always took the easy way out. You know I don't think one of his victims actually came from what we might call "civilised society". Not one!! They were all lowlife scum. He picked them off the street and threw them back in the gutter".

In Chambers view, the best serial killers like to "play the demographic", that is work off a diverse canvas of potential victims, victims who vary greatly in terms of social class or status.

In respect of Dean Corll, a disgusted Chambers tutting and shaking his head said, "killing a whore- I ask you Dean, where's the skill in that, eh!!??? Where's the skill in that… bastard".

It is reassuring for Chambers that, in his moments of unfathomable despair, he at least has a loving and supportive family on which to rely for much needed boosts of morale.

He went on, "My friends and family are outraged at the snub. God love ‘em, they are always trying keep my spirits up. Sometimes I get a little depressed after I wake up the morning after I have raped and mutilated another defenceless female victim, and read the morning newspaper run headlines like "Mystery Serial Killer Strikes Again". Sometimes my mother, god love her, tries to hide the morning newspaper on me to spare my feelings but it has reached the stage that I know either way that I still haven't been given a cool sounding nickname. It's sad I know… put it down to my Catholic upbringing I guess."

Chambers prides himself on the special relationship he has with his mother. He jokes that his mother is the "one woman in the world he would never rape… if he were to kill her it'd be quick and painless". His mother in particular loves that joke.

He recalled, "I was speaking to my mother over the phone last week and she tried to console me saying, "be patient Michael love, just a few more cold-blooded murders and I'm sure the nickname will come". Then I had to hang up in case police were tracing the call".

He admits, "I know my mom is only saying this because she loves me so. Sometimes she even asks whether she can assist me with some of my killings by offering to dispose of the body or something, but I always insist that I prefer to work alone. Besides, I think I'd feel a little self-conscious raping someone in front of my mom in case she caught sight of… erm… you know… my special area… I know, I know, it's silly really [sheepish giggle]"... put it down to my Catholic upbringing I guess.

"I don't think she really believes I'll ever get a nickname though. She knows were it's at. I mean if the media were going to give me a nickname, they would have done so by now", he added, wiping yet another tear from his eye.

Although Chambers clearly resents his lack of nickname, his bitterness does not deter him from heaping praise upon the great serial killers who did themselves, amid their voyages of depravity, earn memorable nicknames.

"And the Yorkshire Ripper- wow, what a great nickname, eh?"

A eulogising Chambers revealed, "Now Peter Sutcliffe aka "The Yorkshire Ripper" is one guy I have bundles of respect for. I mean the way he eluded the police… textbook. I mean a lot of people said it was police ineptitude… it was Sutcliffe's untold crafty genius and nothing more. And the Yorkshire Ripper- wow, what a great nickname, eh? He does exactly what he says on his tin, so to speak. I sometimes stay awake at night thinking how great it would be if I had a nickname like that".

Staring upwards, smiling and starry-eyed, Chambers then murmured wistfully, "The Alaskan Ripper…yeahhhh… nice ring to it, hasn't it… The Alaskan Ripper… mmmmmm nice".

"Carlos the Jackall- there's another guy I have a lot of time for… or Dr. Death (aka Harold Shipman)… what a guy!!! So original, so clever".

To increase his chances of acquiring a nickname, Chambers is considering infusing his killings with greater personality to distinguish him from other more run-of-the-mill serial killers.

"the great serial killers, I mean the really great ones- their killings always had character"

A thoughtful Chambers said, "Maybe I should go beyond the traditional rape ‘n' slay approach. It's sooooo ‘early twentieth-century back alleyways of London' kitsch. You know, it's time I started using my imagination… I'm not the lobotomised cow with CJD after all. Like if you look at some of the great serial killers, I mean the really great ones- their killings always had character- their own little quirks… that special little ingredient that set their wickedness apart from the pack. I'm talking here about "the necktie murderer" or "the acid bath killer"- killers whose celebrity is as much built upon idiosyncrasy as it is upon brutality".

Stroking his chin thoughtfully, Chamber's then attempted to sketch out a new offensive strategy for himself. "Okay, I definitely want the rapes to stay in- that's probably the most enjoyable part of the whole grizzly act. Maybe I could add something extra in between the rape and the actual murder, a sort of sadistic segue-way. I could, I suppose, try conversing with my victim- ask her about herself, her hobbies, her proudest moment, where she's from… but, then again, that might give her a chance to get away… no it's definitely better to get the killing over and done with ASAP".

Continuing to deliberate, Chambers added, "Maybe I could alter the way in which I actually kill them. Maybe instead of bringing them back to my apartment, I could lure them to a secluded lake. [Growing excited] Yeahhhhh, there are tons of secluded lakes in Alaska. I could drown them… hold their head under water- it's perfect. [Growing more excited] I wouldn't even need a knife… and because the lake is so secluded, no one would be able to hear her despairing screams for help as I raped her… God I can't believe I hadn't thought of this before".

Chambers, clearly rejuvenated, then stated, "Okay I'm making a vow- I, Michael Chambers, from this day forth, am going to drown all my victims, and not slit their throats. If I don't drown my next victim, hand on heart, I'll give myself up to the police. I'm not just saying that. Hand on heart- If I don't drown my next victim, seriously, I'll give myself up- now you can't say fairer that that".

A now giddy Chambers went on, "My God, think of the nicknames. The ‘Alaskan Drowner', no wait, the ‘Laughing Liquidator'- I could become famous for laughing as I suppress my victims' heads underwater. Or maybe I could commit all my murders at the same lake, become synonymous with that one lake. Let me see, what's the closest lake to where I live… that would be… erm… oh yes- Lake Mayweather. They could call me the ‘Lake Mayweather Monster'- a humorous spin on the ‘Loch Ness Monster'.

Wiping the drool from his chin, Chambers, grinning sociopathically, whispered, "The possibilities are endless".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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