Seneca, South Carolina - (Ass Mess): "At the moment we can't say if the vermin was burrowing its way out - or in," a Sennapod Police Department official explained today.
"A 911 call-out to a Bernwood Circle address saw us arrest a suspected burglar," Oconee County sheriff's department sources confirmed.
"He was nude, stoned and sported a rodent's tail wriggling from his butt-hole.
"Poor critter nearly died from methane poisoning."
Burglary suspect Noah Smith was cuffed, tasered and trussed up like a farm animal before being delivered to the Sennapod Hospital emergency room.
Surgeons struggled for half an hour to retrieve the mystery rodent from Smith's back passage before sending it to a local zoo's intensive care trauma department.
Smith meanwhile remains in custody at Oconee County Detention Center awaiting possible animal cruelty charges.