In a surprising Washington rally this morning, Republican leaders announced they were just kidding when they promised to bring sweeping changes to the United States. They spoke to thousands of supporters who turned out for the event.
Representative John Boehner, likely the next Majority Leader, spoke directly to the Tea Party members so pivotal in the recent elections: "Come on, you didn't think we were serious, did you? Jeez, you hicks are so naïve. You've been hanging out in the cornfields so long, get with the real world. You couldn't believe we'd actually let a bunch of amateurs like you dictate our policy, could you? The GOP was around when Lincoln was still sucking his mama's titty, for Christ's sake. We're not going to follow you. If anything, we're going to use you mislead, suck all your money out, and completely absorb you into our system. You'll be pretty much destroyed before you figure out what we've done.
"Jesus, you're all a bunch of loose cannons and nutjobs. You think we're going to let you wreck our well-oiled machine? I think not."
The crowd looked stunned for a moment, then a look of realization came over their faces and laughter broke out as Tea Partiers realized the truth in Boehner's words. "You tell us, Johnny!" shouted Matt Towery, "We're morons to have believed you!" Towery is a conservative columnist and the author of Powerchicks: How Women Will Dominate America, which despite its title is not a porn novel. "We're fools," the crowd began chanting. Afterwards, Homer Walker, a Tea Party supporter from Flordell Hills, Missouri, sheepishly admitted the truth of Boehner's words. "Shucks," he said, "it's embarrassing to admit we actually thought we could change so much in so little time. To think we could easily march into Washington and repeal everything Obama's done, when we've only existed for such a short period of time, and when are views are only accepted by maybe one-fifth of the American people. We shore have been fooled."
Boehner continued, "It would be a little ridiculous to say we've been given a mandate, when polls show that the Republican Party is actually viewed less favorably than the Democrats. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you we can turn everything around. To do so would be pure political cynicism, and the Republican Party will never be guilty of that. And less government? Sure, we Republicans are good at talking about government reduction, but when have we ever actually practiced it? We've got far too many pork projects going. I myself am already making up all kinds of bogus committees just so my buddies can have jobs.
"To tell the truth we're scared shitless to do tinker with the economy. We could bring back the same failed Bush policies that got us into this recession in the first place, but that'll just screw things up even worse and drive our popularity further into the ground. So we plan to basically dick around for the next two years. We'll make a lot of grandstanding speeches, we'll act like we're doing things, but our goal is 100% gridlock."
In closing, Boehner thanked social conservatives for all their help. "We've depended on you people for years," he said. "Just look at the religious right. All we had to do was bring up abortion and bam, instant support. Even when you might have been better off to join a third party, say Ross Perot or the Libertarians. But you didn't, you stayed with us! Even though it's obvious that us fat cats only care about big business. You think we give a damn about abortions or Jesus? But we wave the abortion carrot, and here you rush right out to vote for us. As if Roe v. Wade would ever be reversed, given the current social climate and the makeup of the Supreme Court."
Senator Jim DeMint was next to speak. "Did you really believe all my horseshit about repealing health care? Come on, it aint gonna happen. We'd have to get the Democrats to go along with it, and even then Obama would still veto us. Unless of course, Obama turns into a complete pussy and bends over for us in a pathetic attempt to court voters. Which, come to think of it, is still vaguely possible."
Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele took an outright defiant tone when speaking with Tea Party supporters. "You think I'm gonna spend your money on massive policy changes? Sheeit, I'm spendin' your money on strip clubs!"
Steele concluded by muttering something about "dumb rich crackers" as the crowd dispersed.