Washington, DC -- In a display of bipartisanship, Democrats and Republicans hammered out a compromise of the Crap-and-Save Bill, part of the Troubling Asses Relief Program (TARP). "This would have been impossible prior to the mid-term elections," said Democrat Congresswoman Fanny Tush, (Derriere, Louisiana), adding, "maybe now ,we can reach common ground on the Bush fax cuts, for businesses making less than 250,00 copies and those making over a 1,000,000."
The original version of Crap-and-Save called for, 'one-size-fits-all,' daily maximum of eight squares of toilet paper for every citizen, visitor and illegal. Democrat Earl Butts and Republican Paul Keister "worked their buns off to come up with a comprise bill," according to a staffer.
The revised bill will allow exceptions for some visitors, of thirteen squares up to a maximum of three flushes. Some of the visitors include, Queen Elizabeth 11 for her 1992 Annus Horribilis, visiting cricket club players who wear white pants, Chilean miners, German-lederhosen-wearing oom-pah bands, the Chinese Pu Pu Platters, the Nairobi Trio and Spanish Flamingo dancers.
Exceptions in the original bill that have been put back include, those with plumber's crack, anyone going through an airport body- scanning machine, Mr.Whipple, people from EU countries wearing Speedos on American beaches, The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Band on the Run, and Rapper, Bone Crusher.
Provision was made to the original bill for a daily allowance of twelve squares, for those considered, "special needs," such as anyone handling gerbils, pole dancers, porto potty users, anybody eating hot dogs from street corner vendors in NYC,sufferers of 'phatassimus maximus' such as, Al Gore, Oprah Winfrey,Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell.
Before embarking on his visit to India, the President expressed his thanks to both Democrats and Republicans for their bipartisanship efforts, adding, "The impact on the environment from the carbon poop print will be immeasurable; my intent is to sign the bill on my return from India, for obvious reasons."
Press Secretary Robert Gibbs was quick to deny the implication, "for obvious reasons," had anything to do with Indian food.