Washington, D.C.--Democratic and Republican politicians continue their rejoicing today at the results of the November 2 election. The newly divided congress has elected members of both parties breathing easier at the prospect of two full years of getting paid to do nothing but bicker. The theatrics began immediately in the nation's capital.
At a joint press conference with former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid simpered, "Geez, we can't get anything done now!" before bursting into tears and throwing up his hands and stomping off the podium. Pelosi said, that constantly caving in to Republicans and allowing the GOP to portray Democrats as weak had been a winning strategy in 2006 and 2008. "After half-heartedly pretending that we'd be bold we gave America a half-assed stimulus package and a crappy healthcare reform bill like the Republicans demanded. If they thought we were weak, indecisive and easily cowed before, they ain't seen nothin' yet."
John Boehner, the new Speaker of the House of Representatives and member of avant-garde performance group, Orange Man Group, said he looked forward to aggressively pursuing a corporate agenda destructive of America and its people knowing full well none of it will be passed. "The GOP will certainly do it's level best to pursue its agenda of curtailed freedoms for individual Americans, continuing to move the tax burden from rich to poor and degrading and poisoning America's environment. But with a Democrat in the White House and Democratic control of the Senate, none of it will get passed. Still, despite an inability to get what it wants corporate America will still have to give us its money because they have no one else to turn to. Plus it's really funny watching liberals crap their pants at the thought of us achieving our goals."
President Barack Obama said, "We tried bipartisanship when the Republicans were in the minority and it went nowhere. Maybe now that they have the House we can find common ground and work together. If not, perhaps giving up the Senate and White House in 2012 will finally get the Republicans to cooperate with the Democrats in the best interests of America."