Written by Dave Stewart
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Topics: Paul Simon

Saturday, 30 October 2010

Newark Fire Department received a 911 call at 6.02am this morning from a concerned member of the public after a small boy was seen to fall into a disused water well. East Ward Station responded to the emergency call and arrived at the scene at approximately 6.20am.

The boy was able to communicate with a Community Liazon Officer and his injuries were assessed to be superficial, with minor lacerations. The Mines Rescue Team were notified and arrived at the well at 7.10am.

Assigned Rescue Officer Bryan Ferry commented:

"After communicating with the boy via portable radio it came to light that the person trapped was in fact singer/songwriter Paul Simon. This changed rescue procedure dramatically."

A discussion was conducted at the scene between fire officers, community police officials, and members of the public. As explained by Officer Ferry, proper protocol was followed in response to the incident:

"We assessed the situation and came to the conclusion that Newark Fire Department must operate on a priority-centered basis. There are numerous dumpsters on fire across our region, notwithstanding that our presence is needed at the Community Barbeque Festival. Paul Simon, on the other hand, does not have an album out till next Spring."

Paul Simon's rescue was therefore assigned a Category Four Incident, and by law these incidents must be responded to within fourteen days. Mr. Simon was thrown a guitar and temporary food rations and told to remain calm.

A distressed Art Garfunkel commented:

"I've got big fluffy hair."

Further news on the incident to follow in due course.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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