The residents of the small all American town of Haddonfield, Illinois won't be resting easily in their beds tonight, as the local police department revealed that masked knife weilding maniac, Michael Myers is still very much alive and kicking.
Police Chief, Sonny Dae, revealed that Myers has survived numerous attempts on his life by irate citizens, including being shot by the late Donald Pleasance, having his eye poked out with a coathanger by Jamie Lee Curtis, being set on fire on several occasions, being blown up, and being tossed into an erupting volcano.
But Myers seems to be living proof of the old adage that you can't keep a good masked Sabatier weilding homicidal maniac down.
Taking after his childhood hero, the porn star Ron Jeremy, Michael Myers just keeps on coming, (ooh err!) and the citizens of Haddonfield are both bracing and shitting themselves in anticipation of yet another homicidal Halloween rampage.
By the man in the William Shatner mask.
However, one local man remained defiant.
"Michael Myers? He's an ass hole," said Bargis Tryhol, of Elm Street. "He comes near my house and I'll cut him in two with a full auto burst from my M16. I'll do the coup de grace with a headshot from my Colt Python .357 magnum. Then I'll probably barbecue his murderous ass and feed it to the dogs. If that fails, I'll whip the fuckhead to death with my excessively large penis. Did I mention that I'm the man with the world's largest penis? Oh, okay, I guess I must have. A thousand times or more."
In the midst of the furore, local priest, father Francois DuBois SJ appealed for calm.
"I ain't feelin' too good at the moment," said the man, originally from West 'By God' Virginia. "So I'm appealing for calm and having a quiet lie down on the floor. I guess I'm just hoping Queen Mudder is gonna drop by. I'll show that little lady a proper (sordid ass mess) if she's up for it. And certainly not in a gay way."
More as we get it.