Written by anthonyrosania
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Topics: Children's TV

Wednesday, 27 October 2010

image for FDA Approves Cable-ready Retinal Implants for Toddlers
" I'm watching SportsCenter in your eyeball, honey. Go back to sleep."

Rather than turning the TV off and actually interacting with their preschool children, more and more parents turn to sweet, nurturing television to fill the little tykes' time.

Now, the FDA has approved an implant that would wirelessly send tv images directly into the retina for children as young as 6 months.

"As every parent knows," said TVinmyHead.web's CEO Brock Rahb, inventor of the TVinmyHead implant," The time that the children are not staring into the TV --while bathing, using the bathroom, eating dinner, and asking inane questions like, 'where's Mommy', even thought they just said goodbye to her five minutes ago-- is a particularly heinous form of torture."

"Mommy, I can see Dora in my head," said 2-year-old Gabriella, who usually has her nose glued to the 19'' TV in her room, usually while smearing yogurt on its screen.

"........", said her sister, Miel, drooling, clearly enjoying the episode of The Wotwots being broadcast onto the back of her eyes.

Not everyone is in agreement about the value of the implants.

"Children should not spend any time watching TV, in my opinion," said Senator Richard Goesinya, who clearly doesn't have children of his own. "let alone be able to watch TV in their head."

"This will lead to children that are uneducated, and prone to drug abuse, teen pregnancy, unemployment and crime," said the Senator.

"Not if they're white," replied Rahb.

The implants, originally designed to give blind children under 5 the ability to see, are approximately $45,000 per eye. And, while health insurance will not pay for the surgery, the implants are consider a child care expense, and are 100% deductible.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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