Written by j. blair
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Topics: White House, Housing

Saturday, 25 June 2005

President Bush was stunned today when he was told by his Housing and Urban Development Director that he & Laura would have to vacate the White House no later than noon on Monday. The HUD Director said he made his best effort to stop the acquisition of the White House but did not have adequate legal staff to challenge the developer's avalanche of lawsuits. Eventually, he was forced to give in to the Washington D. C. Council's decision. He continued, "The White House is considered a private residence since it the President's primary residence. So, according to the Supreme Court decision, it falls under the same eminent domain rules as all other residential property. I do not think this is what the SCOTUS intended but you know what they say about unintended consequences of government action. We tried to stop them by getting the White House put on the historical site register but somehow the approval got held up in a Senate Committee."

The President initially became highly agitated because he thought the Vice President had forgotten to tell him that he had been impeached. But, his Chief of Staff, put the news in terms the President understood. Mr. President, "It's like a bar closing. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here". The President will operate from Crawford, Texas in the short term until new office space can be found. HUD Director Jackson said, "The President has directed us to look at West Virginia as a new Executive Branch location because he wants to build a baseball field just like the one in the movie Field of Dreams. We think West Virginia is a little remote but the President said, "If we build it, they will come". It will probably work out just fine because it will substantially decrease our security costs. Also, we can acquire large blocks of cheap land directly adjacent to multi-lane super highways that don't go anywhere and have absolutely no traffic on them. Funny thing about West Virginia, everything seems to be named after Senator Byrd."

A spokesman for Donald Trump said, "The White House property was acquired by China Global Development Corporation (CGDC) in a partnership with Trump Corporation. CGDC provided all the financing. Trump Corporation will provide the architecture and construction oversight for a new ultra-luxury high-rise condominium complex that will include a hotel and casino. The building will fit in with the classic Washington architecture but our tower will be the tallest in the District. It is expected to be built and fully occupied by wealthy lobbyists by the end of 2006 with the casino opening in early 2007. This will be a high profile project and will be managed by the next winner of the Apprentice TV show." When asked about plans for the White House he said, "We considered preserving the White House but the land is too valuable so we are just going to knock it down and build a parking structure on that space."

When pressed for details on how the acquisition was made one day after the Supreme Court gutted the eminent domain law a Chinese spokesman from CGDC said, "We hired Jack Abramoff to put this deal together over a year ago. He knows everybody in Washington and knows how to grease the skids. Of course, we had a back-up plan in case the D.C. Council didn't vote our way." When asked about the back-up plan he said, "Jack worked out a deal with the Fuhgahwee Indian tribe and the Bureau of Indians Affairs to have the land reclassified as an "Indian Reservation". Once it was reclassified as tribal land, we could build whatever we wanted, based on a 99 year lease Jack negotiated with the tribe."

Councilman Marion Barry who is well known for his classic quotations said, "This project will generate a lot of new tax revenue for D.C. which means the D.C. Council will be extremely powerful because we will be have a lot more money to spend. This is just the first project that Jack has in the queue. Jack is in a little trouble right now. But, I am sure he will make a come back, just like I did. In this town power is about more than money & I don't know any other lobbyist that has trained Israeli snipers that owe him favors, if you know what I'm saying. Washington will be a much different place when Jack & I get done with it."

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