Written by Neil Levine
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Tuesday, 21 June 2005

image for John Bolton Promises To Rise From Political Quagmire And Save World
John Bolton To Rise Again!!!!

John Bolton As Godzilla: To Challenge A Ghidran-Like World To A Mudwrestling Grudge Match

Before confronting the bad boys on the international intrigue scene, big brainy, brawny John Bolton has to confront his demons in the form of rascally rabid Democrats in the U.S. Senate and seize the mule by the scruff of its tail and face the situation.


Once he has weathered the long and bruising political battle involving mud slinging of the worst sort and heavy-handed gold digging for dirt that has been undescribably filthy, John Bolton will be confirmed as the new UN Ambassador from the United States by a majority vote in the U.S. Senate and will emerge as a contender to save the world. "Lots of luck," his Republican friends amongst others have wished him. "Don't expect miracles." "We can only make the world safe for Democracy if the Democrats support public safety safely and act in a civilized manner while in civilization."


"I intend to walk right over to the UN and make my presence known. Pretty much meet, greet and just say HALLOO. I am not afraid of throwing my hefty weight around," he has been quoted as thinking.


There is nothing wrong with the UN that a little glad handling and some pointed pleasantries can't reduce to a bare bones level of existence that a gentleman can deal with in an amicable fashion. Just examine my new bare chested look. I am the Champion! I AM THE CHAMPION! I have the bragging rights And Queen Has Gone Into Hiding!"


"Once I get through the introductions and contradictions of political nuance I can relax and eat all the Big Macs I can scarf away. Nothing can stop me now. The world is my pearl of wisdom. I shall not want for want of wanting something wantful Big macks, big fries and thick shakes are good for everything from a thin man's hunger to the world's neediest need. Perhaps I can teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. Maybe I can even play some loud rock music over the loudspeakers to remind everyone I have arrived! Hopefully with a big bank and not a whisper!"


"I intend to be as forthright as I can politically be. If not downright outright straightforwardly obvious. Why shill shallowly around the Bush when what needs saying needs to be said so I'll say it in the most delicate of terms, or if need be, or just flat out tell the other diplomats what I am saying in the boldest, most startling terms humanly possible. I shall hide nothing."


"I come in peace. I walk the walk and talk the talk. But don't bug me about petty details and often small facts. Trust me. This is not an assault on peaceful intentions. I have nothing up my sleeves. No kings, no jack, no diamonds. This is nothing more nor less than an honest effort to represent the best interests of the United States before a world body. No more, no less."


"After I lock myself in my office, I intend to adopt Godzilla as my mascot to show what a standup guy I can be. Let no one say I am not afraid to state the facts and take a stance where I need to stand. That is not the way I do things. You have been warned!!!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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